Becoming Mentally Stronger

Despite the racking pain I had yesterday, I decided not to take any ibuprofen. Toward the end of the day, I was still having pain, but it wasn't effecting me mentally like it usually does. Normally, I get despondent and have a little pity party for myself. Then I start wishing I had never had a vasectomy in the first place. Then I reply what my life would have been like if I had only gone with my gut and not had the vasectomy.

Yesterday was different though. I fought through the feelings of regret - it doesn't mean I didn't have them. I just didn't let them overcome me. I think the Lord has really helped me in that area. It is easy to live a life of regret, especially when your decisions are what got you in the mess you are currently in. Hopefully, I still have a whole life in front of me and that needs to be my focus, not the past 6 years.

So I had a hot bath last night. I went to bed. Took my kids to school this morning and now I've got stuff to do. I can't dwell and look back. Life is going too fast for that.

Today is still too early to say what kind of pain I'll have. So far, so good.

Cycles of Emotion with Post Vasectomy Pain

This syndrome is not unlike any other in that there are cycles. Cycles of pain, cycles of regret, cycles of self-pity, etc. I'm in a bad cycle right now. The pain has been very annoying and I'm not getting a lot of rest from it. I wake up feeling good. Then, within 10 minutes, I start having any number of 30 or 40 different pains and sensations and various locations in and around my scrotal/pelvic area.

Because of this, my emotional state has been pretty unstable. It finally came to a head yesterday as I sat here and cried to my wife because I felt the syndrome was just overwhelming me. There never seems to be a long, rest from the pain/sensations/etc. I have now had my 6 month anniversary since my reversal and I have to say, I might be worse off after my reversal than I was before my reversal.

I still hope that will change. I haven't had epididymitis since my reversal, but all these nerve pains are far worse than what I was experiencing before. At least I could be active without feeling the threat of constant pain.

Post vasectomy pain or in my case, post vasectomy reversal pain just plain sucks. Which brings up the whole cycle of regret again. I just can't tell you how horrible of a decision it was to have my vasectomy. Ughhh!!! I hate how my life has turned out.

Lord God, please don't forsake me as I cry out to you. Please give me strength and a season of freedom from this pain and anguish that I'm in. Allow me to be the active dad I long to be with my kids. Please don't turn away from my cries for mercy and relief. Help me please. You're the only one who can. In Jesus name, amen. 

Inguinal Nerve Pain Persists

Well, the pain on my right side is still there. It feels like there is a knot where my scrotum connects to my groin on the right side. That's where the reversal took place. If I so much as look at it, it feels like something inside my scrotum is going to explode. Almost like there's a piece of scar tissue that's hanging on by a thread and it wants to tear off, but the thread is too strong and won't let it.

Ah, the joys of vasectomy pain, scrotum pain, reversal pain or whatever you want to call it. I told my wife that I was feeling very regretful over having my vasectomy in the first place. That feeling kind of hits me from time to time. Usually, when I see pictures of my former healthy self playing around without a care in the world. But as my friend always says, you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube.

Even though, it's hard to put out of your mind, permanently anyway. So I just keep praying the Lord will help me and that I'll be able to move forward, either healed or at least to the point where I can live a 90-95% normal life. Of course, that's my prayer for all of us who suffer from this or any other syndrome.

So, I'm sorry if you're sick. I'm sorry if you are struggling with pain or fear. I can certainly identify with you, on some levels anyway. I hope you get better and can trust in the Lord God, to help you get through it. I know He helps me.

Fear and Faith

The last 24 hours have been an emotional roller-coaster. I woke up yesterday feeling pretty good. That is until I stood up, looked downward or bent over. The pain wasn't as bad on my right side as the horrible experience, but I could tell that I'd been through something unpleasant. I got dressed and put on an athletic supporter at my wife's suggestion. I then drove 45 minutes to pick up my kids from their aunt's house.

The drive was okay. While I was at my sister's house, my right side would intermittently hurt in flashes of pain. Again, nothing like the terrible pain I had the night before. I stayed there about 3 hours before driving home. No problems on the drive home.

When I got home, I started feeling pretty good. I didn't dare do anything though, for fear of hurting myself. I eventually started dinner and we all had a decent evening together. But I needed to go to Lowes to look at their carpet. I removed the athletic supporter and drove to Lowes. By the time I came home, I was in pain on the right side, probably a level 3. I put the supporter back on again, took another hydrocodone and the pain subsided. I went to bed without the supporter and this morning has been like yesterday morning. As long as I have the supporter on, the pain isn't as bad (level 1).

I can walk and sit without too much discomfort. I'm really getting tired of this PVPS. I don't know how people with chronic pain survive over the long haul. I know God will get me through this, but I'm tired of always being the person who has something bad happen. In my early 30's I developed lower back problems. In my late 30's I developed heart failure and had my vasectomy/epididymitis problems. In my early 40's I'm now having nerve pain issues from my reversal. During all the time, my mother was dying from Alzheimers and my dad died from a heart attack, while caring for my mom.

I think I'm ready for a season of good stuff. Will it ever happen? Am I destined to be in pain my whole life? I hope not. I think God can still use me, despite all the bad stuff that has happened to me. You'd think I would be angry at Him for all the bad stuff I've had to deal with, but I'm not. I get angry at myself sometimes and it spills over into my prayer time with God. But it's more like me complaining about my decisions and why I can't get out of my own way, not because of anything He's done. If I had a "redo button" I'd make lots of different decisions. Number one on that list would have been never having the vasectomy.

I can't even imagine how different a person I would be right now if I had just said "NO" to the idea of a vasectomy. But sadly, I can't cry over that spilt milk. I just have to keep plowing forward, despite the regret I feel. If it means I have to wear a jock strap the rest of my life, then so be it. If it means I have to take a pill to handle the pain, then so be it. I can't change how the dice come up. It is what it is. I just have to trust God to get me through it. It would be easier to blame him and I know that's what many who read this blog might think. But I can't do that. He's too good. He doesn't want this bad stuff to happen to me. But we live in a fallen world where bad stuff happens to good people. It doesn't make a lot of sense, but that doesn't change the fact.

I feel like I was supposed to have this reversal. Even though I'm now having nerve pain, I still feel like I am where I am supposed to be. I don't necessarily like it, but it is what it is. Something good will come of it. I just need to stay focused on the Lord and He'll get me through this season. Like I said before, my faith in Jesus is all I have left. If I didn't have that, I'd probably look for an easy way out or I'd turn to addiction or who knows what.

Don't get me wrong, I would love to be pain free. I would love to be a healthy 43 year old husband and dad. But since I'm not, I just have to make the best of it. Everyone suffers, why should I be any different.

Another Day Thinking About Vasectomy Side Effects

The side effects of having a vasectomy make you think about pain every day. Your thoughts are consumed with how much pain you are going to have. Will having sex with your wife cause you to have trouble. Can you exercise without having to stop because the pain is too intense. That's the thing with this stuff, you just don't know.

So yesterday, I had a lot of nerve pain. This time, it wasn't all because of my spermatocele. The pain just kept coming in waves. I didn't take any medicine for it though, as the pain came and went just as fast. But it came back 5 minutes later, 15 minutes later, 1 hour later, etc.

Now this morning, I'm doing okay and I think I'm just going to take it easy. No painting, no lifting, no long term sitting. I'll probably do some light stretching out and try to vary my body position between sitting, standing and lying down. What a life I lead - all because I had a vasectomy.

But as always, there are a lot of people worse off than I am. They have worse post vasectomy pain, they have other diseases, etc. I just found out at church yesterday, that someone was diagnosed with colon cancer. So, this blog is not an attempt to get your sympathy, but rather I want to educate the public about the devastating vasectomy side effects. I know the risk is relatively low, but if you are the unlucky one to get post vasectomy pain or epididymitis, then you'll regret the decision for the rest of your life, and so will your wife.

I'm just trying to do you a solid here. Don't have the vasectomy, please!

Bad Pain Day Today

Well, I guess camping and hiking was too much for my groin nerves. Lots of pain today, from right out of the gate. I woke up and had to go to the bathroom. While I was doing my business, I had this nerve pain shoot to the end of my penis. Then 1 hour later, I had to go pee again. Same result. This repeated itself 2 more times.

I had always heard about people have nerve pain in their penis, but I was hopeful that I wouldn't experience it. Lucky me I guess. With each passing day, I develop a growing hatred for this syndrome. That is saying something because I already went into this thing hating it pretty badly.

I don't understand the nerve pain thing at all. I never experienced it after my vasectomy. It's a new thing for me since my reversal. Prior to my reversal, I JUST had epididymitis every 6 months. Now I've got this constant companion of nerve pain. I get a day off from it every now and then, but for the most part, it's like a bad habit I can't shake.

Today I had pain while going #1. I've heard people having nerve pain while making love to their spouse, which totally ruined the experience for both husband and wife. I pray that doesn't happen to me. However, it has only been a couple of months since my reversal and everyone says to be patient. I can't tell you how difficult that is for me. I want this to be in my rear view mirror so badly. My wife does too.

For me and others who suffer from PVPS, the following definition applies:

Regret equals vasectomy.