Here it is, almost 9 months since I last posted. Hum, so what's been going on you may ask? Well, it's funny you should ask.
My last post had something to do with me returning to the gym and the pain I was having. I have to admit, between working nights and having two kids in school, and buying a new house, I've been fairly busy and the gym was very hit or miss for about 2 months. Then the holidays came, and that was it. No more workouts for me. But I was feeling really good. No pain at all.
I then decided to do some burst aerobic training where you do 4-5 exercises with great intensity for 45 seconds, then rest one minute and repeat until 3-4 cycles are done and you're absolutely exhausted. The exercises I chose to do were jumping jacks, burpees (push-ups with a jump mixed in), squats (with no weights), lunges, 10 pound kettle-bell shoulder press. Again, I started out very conservatively since I was in the worst shape of my life and I didn't want to kill myself or aggravate the PVPS. All was going well. I had done them for about 2 weeks with no pain (mainly because there was no straining in these exercises, I was taking it real slow).
Then after Christmas, I was putting a box of decorations back in the garage when it happened. I'm not sure exactly what it was, but let me try to describe it. I was carrying a very light box (~5 pounds) into the garage. I stepped down one step into the garage when something exploded in my right inguinal area. It felt like something ripped away from inside of me. The weirder thing was, it felt like a "square shaped patch" of something ripped away, it had a definite shape to the sensation. So I immediately dropped the box to the floor and stumbled back inside to the kitchen table in desperate pain - it literally took my breath away, just terrible.
A few minutes passed and the pain seemed to subside just a bit. I had that pain for the next 3-4 days before it went away. I stopped exercising again - because of the pain. Then a couple weeks later, I turned the wrong way while bending over to pick something up and then WHAM! the pain came back.
This process has now repeated itself too many times to count. I can't say I know exactly what's going on. I did have an inguinal hernia repair when I was like, 23 years old. Perhaps, the mesh has pulled away, or maybe some scar tissue has come loose. I just don't know, and I'm not sure there's a test to tell what's going on, without actually having surgery to take a look inside.
I don't really want another surgery down there, for fear it will aggravate the PVPS. For all I know, this could be some weird sensation associated with my PVPS. I just don't know.
My wife made a comment to me back when I was 28 years old, she said, "Why don't you ever get sick, you're the healthiest person I know." Back then she had got her second winter cold, meanwhile, I was free and clear and hadn't had a cold in several years. I laughed and told her, I had just always been a very healthy person.
Since then, I ruptured a disc in my back, had a vasectomy, got diagnosed with cardiomyopathy (weak heart), had chronic epidydimitis, had a reversal, suffered from PVPS, and now can't exercise, work-out, or do any heavy lifting around the house.
I'll admit it now, to the world. "I am no longer healthy." There, I've said it. Now maybe things will turn around for me. It just sucks to be unhealthy. My wife hates it, my kids hate it and I hate it.
So now what do I do? Do I get this pain checked out? Do I suffer in silence? I really just don't know what to do next. There are no doctors up here where I live that I trust and I can't really afford to travel back to Dallas and see a doctor down there.
I know I can rely on God to get me through this, that is not the question I'm asking. Rather, it's the logistics of it all. How will it work out? Am I doomed to be one of those guys that looks healthy on the outside, but I've got a handicap sticker for my car because I can barely move without being in pain all the time? Just continued frustration over how things have turned out these last ten years. This is not how I envisioned life, to say the least.
On my knees I go, praying to the one who can make it all better and work out the details for me.
It seems like when I try to work things it, they just fall apart. So I'm relying on you God, yet again to help me. I'm sorry I can't do it on my own, and I know, I know...you don't want me to do it on my own, but I just hate to bother you with this kind of stuff. It's very embarrassing and hits me at my core, my pride. Please forgive me for feeling this way. Guide me and lead me I pray. Amen.
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Monday, September 2, 2013
Summer Ends and Time Marches On
The new school year is once again upon us. I like times like this as they help to organize my year. Holidays, breaks from school, and birthdays are great signposts and reference points from which to measure the passing of time as it relates to life. For instance, I don't remember the exact day my dad past away, but I know it was about a week before Christmas. I don't remember the exact day we moved to Washington state (the second time), but I know it was during the Texas State Fair or roughly three weeks before Halloween.
So it is that I measure progress or pain with my PVPS. It was just as school let out in June when I was having a surprising, albeit brief, pain episode. Now here we are at the beginning of school and I've just realized that was my last bout of pain. That's almost three solid months with no pain, outside of a twinge here and there. Those twinges were brought on by moving boxes into our new home.
I told my wife that it is during times like this when I feel that I've been cured of my PVPS pain. That the reversal surgery did it's job. But since the pain was brought on by the reversal procedure, I'm not sure I can really say that. So why is my pain so much improved? Good question.
I think the Lord has done a lot to bring me relief. Do I believe he healed me from Heaven? Partly. But mostly I believe the Lord has helped me to live with the pain, to accept it and move beyond it. I could be having pain every day and I may just not be noticing it because I'm no longer hyperfocuced on my groin. Does that make sense?
It's like the more you notice something, the more you'll notice it. From an emotional and spiritual standpoint, I'm in a far better place. I no longer play the victim card. Life is too short and nobody likes being around that kind of person anyway. So yes, I believe I've been healed. And yes I believe I've been brought to a point where post vasectomy side effects are no longer my primary or even secondary concern.
It's kind of funny, but I just realized that I've been employed now since January of this year, right after New Years. In my job, I have to lift patients, squat and bend over, take the stairs frequently, and basically be an active individual. I used to be scared of how my body would react to the sudden workload. I didn't know how long I'd be able to work. Well, here I am (9 months later) and all seems to be going well. I can do my job without fear of the PVPS consequences.
That's it for my update, but for those courageous few who want to read on about how God has helped me, please read on.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I've said this on the blog before, but I feel extremely blessed by God. He has done so much in my life these last couple of years, I can't even begin to tell you. But take it from me, God is good. He answers prayers and listens with a father's heart. Give your fears and anxiety and pain to him and he'll make it better. Maybe not in the way you hope, but in a way that will glorify himself and blow you away.
One of the biggest things I've learned this last year is that God doesn't need me, but I sure need him...for absolutely everything in my life. Whether it be my job, health, relationships, finances, outlook, attitude, etc, I need him. Oh, I can get by on my own, but I'll just screw it up as always.
Funny, but God has always worked in my life and he is always working in yours, although you may not be able to see it. I certainly couldn't always see it and I'm a 'Christian'. But looking back in the reflection of my life, I see where my Lord Jesus was there for me. And it wasn't until I faithfully and honestly started praying for help (trusting Him), that I began to see his hand upon my life in real time.
I know this won't make sense to you if you don't believe that God sent Jesus. Perhaps if you are willing, you could read the Book of John in the bible (The 4th book in the New Testament). The first 5-6 chapters kind of talk about what I'm trying to say here.
Well, I guess that's about it. I just felt like I needed to say something in these last couple of paragraphs. Who knows, maybe God is trying to get your attention which is why you're here reading this now. Anyway, thanks for reading. I hope this helps.
God bless.
So it is that I measure progress or pain with my PVPS. It was just as school let out in June when I was having a surprising, albeit brief, pain episode. Now here we are at the beginning of school and I've just realized that was my last bout of pain. That's almost three solid months with no pain, outside of a twinge here and there. Those twinges were brought on by moving boxes into our new home.
I told my wife that it is during times like this when I feel that I've been cured of my PVPS pain. That the reversal surgery did it's job. But since the pain was brought on by the reversal procedure, I'm not sure I can really say that. So why is my pain so much improved? Good question.
I think the Lord has done a lot to bring me relief. Do I believe he healed me from Heaven? Partly. But mostly I believe the Lord has helped me to live with the pain, to accept it and move beyond it. I could be having pain every day and I may just not be noticing it because I'm no longer hyperfocuced on my groin. Does that make sense?
It's like the more you notice something, the more you'll notice it. From an emotional and spiritual standpoint, I'm in a far better place. I no longer play the victim card. Life is too short and nobody likes being around that kind of person anyway. So yes, I believe I've been healed. And yes I believe I've been brought to a point where post vasectomy side effects are no longer my primary or even secondary concern.
It's kind of funny, but I just realized that I've been employed now since January of this year, right after New Years. In my job, I have to lift patients, squat and bend over, take the stairs frequently, and basically be an active individual. I used to be scared of how my body would react to the sudden workload. I didn't know how long I'd be able to work. Well, here I am (9 months later) and all seems to be going well. I can do my job without fear of the PVPS consequences.
That's it for my update, but for those courageous few who want to read on about how God has helped me, please read on.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I've said this on the blog before, but I feel extremely blessed by God. He has done so much in my life these last couple of years, I can't even begin to tell you. But take it from me, God is good. He answers prayers and listens with a father's heart. Give your fears and anxiety and pain to him and he'll make it better. Maybe not in the way you hope, but in a way that will glorify himself and blow you away.
One of the biggest things I've learned this last year is that God doesn't need me, but I sure need him...for absolutely everything in my life. Whether it be my job, health, relationships, finances, outlook, attitude, etc, I need him. Oh, I can get by on my own, but I'll just screw it up as always.
Funny, but God has always worked in my life and he is always working in yours, although you may not be able to see it. I certainly couldn't always see it and I'm a 'Christian'. But looking back in the reflection of my life, I see where my Lord Jesus was there for me. And it wasn't until I faithfully and honestly started praying for help (trusting Him), that I began to see his hand upon my life in real time.
I know this won't make sense to you if you don't believe that God sent Jesus. Perhaps if you are willing, you could read the Book of John in the bible (The 4th book in the New Testament). The first 5-6 chapters kind of talk about what I'm trying to say here.
Well, I guess that's about it. I just felt like I needed to say something in these last couple of paragraphs. Who knows, maybe God is trying to get your attention which is why you're here reading this now. Anyway, thanks for reading. I hope this helps.
God bless.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Weathering the Storm
Could it be the epididymitis has passed? I'm not really sure. There isn't that nagging pain down there (unless I sit for too long). The swelling is still present, but not as prominent as the last few weeks have been. I hope it is passed. I hope it never comes back. But it will I'm sure. The only question is when. Hopefully it will be a long time, like decades.
In the meantime, things seem to have returned to 'normal', whatever that is. I still get random pains here and there. No real rhyme or reason to them, just 'cause I guess. I have a doctor's appointment with a new cardiologist this week. I pray my heart is in good shape, despite the lack of activity induced by the PVPS.
It seems the older I get, the more unsteady the ground is; the more plates I try to keep spinning in the air at one time. Reminds me that I can't do it by myself. Thank God I have Jesus to get me through. Seriously, how else can I do it. My decisions always stink and mess things up. The more I have tried to control, the more things get turned upside down. But when I wait on the Lord to answer my prayers and provide for me, the better the outcomes. I know that sounds weird, especially if you don't believe like I do, but it's absolutely the truth. I just can't make stuff like this up.
I could tell you story after story, but probably not entirely appropriate for a PVPS blog. Maybe some day though. Who knows, maybe I'll write a book about it.
In the meantime, things seem to have returned to 'normal', whatever that is. I still get random pains here and there. No real rhyme or reason to them, just 'cause I guess. I have a doctor's appointment with a new cardiologist this week. I pray my heart is in good shape, despite the lack of activity induced by the PVPS.
It seems the older I get, the more unsteady the ground is; the more plates I try to keep spinning in the air at one time. Reminds me that I can't do it by myself. Thank God I have Jesus to get me through. Seriously, how else can I do it. My decisions always stink and mess things up. The more I have tried to control, the more things get turned upside down. But when I wait on the Lord to answer my prayers and provide for me, the better the outcomes. I know that sounds weird, especially if you don't believe like I do, but it's absolutely the truth. I just can't make stuff like this up.
I could tell you story after story, but probably not entirely appropriate for a PVPS blog. Maybe some day though. Who knows, maybe I'll write a book about it.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
The Pain Continues
This epididymitis continues on my right side. I've taken a couple of weeks worth of ibuprofen, mixed with some tylenol which has helped the day to day pain. However, I was hoping the swelling would go down a little bit more than it has.
Surprisingly, my wife and I have been intimate a few times since this began. I wasn't sure what would happen if I had an E.J. But, it doesn't appear to have made it worse and perhaps, it has helped a little bit (I'm not really sure, because of all the OTC pain meds I'm taking).
The real problem is when I have a day at work that involves a lot of sitting. Sitting is just a killer for me right now. Then again, so is standing for long periods of time (like when I umpired my son's 2-hr baseball game yesterday).
The pain in my scrotum definitely puts a damper on just about everything in my day. But I think I can tolerate it as long as it doesn't get any worse. Now the likelihood of it not getting worse is pretty slim, I know. But that is my approach now. If other people can live with chronic pain, then so can I. I don't like it, but what are you going to do...it's not like I have a lot of options at this point. More surgery is out of the question and I'm not taking anymore antibiotics or steroids. That just leaves prayer and living with it. Thankfully, Jesus gives me the strength and patience to do that. Again, I don't like this option, but as I said before, my options are pretty few and far between. At least this option has paid dividends and is more reliable than anything I have tried before.
So faith in a loving God and savior, along with my eternal perspective is all I have left. That should be enough for anyone.
Surprisingly, my wife and I have been intimate a few times since this began. I wasn't sure what would happen if I had an E.J. But, it doesn't appear to have made it worse and perhaps, it has helped a little bit (I'm not really sure, because of all the OTC pain meds I'm taking).
The real problem is when I have a day at work that involves a lot of sitting. Sitting is just a killer for me right now. Then again, so is standing for long periods of time (like when I umpired my son's 2-hr baseball game yesterday).
The pain in my scrotum definitely puts a damper on just about everything in my day. But I think I can tolerate it as long as it doesn't get any worse. Now the likelihood of it not getting worse is pretty slim, I know. But that is my approach now. If other people can live with chronic pain, then so can I. I don't like it, but what are you going to do...it's not like I have a lot of options at this point. More surgery is out of the question and I'm not taking anymore antibiotics or steroids. That just leaves prayer and living with it. Thankfully, Jesus gives me the strength and patience to do that. Again, I don't like this option, but as I said before, my options are pretty few and far between. At least this option has paid dividends and is more reliable than anything I have tried before.
So faith in a loving God and savior, along with my eternal perspective is all I have left. That should be enough for anyone.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Off and On Pain Continues
During my last report, I stated I had some sharp inguinal pains, possibly from lifting a patient at my work. Since then, those sharp pains have tailed off. The next couple of days at work, I noticed the pains when I was walking up the stairs at the hospital. However, the last few days have been relatively pain free. Even the constant "full-feeling" I sometimes get on my right side is gone.
Again, walking and standing at my job has probably helped me a lot. After a few years of no work, I am glad to be a productive member of society again. I love the fact that I get to be busy for 12 hours a day. I also love helping my patients get better too. I'm working nights though, something I'm not particularly happy about. I haven't worked a night shift in over 23 years. My body is adjust okay to staying awake, but on my days off, all I want to do is sleep.
I went to the gym yesterday and actually ran on the treadmill for the first time in a long time. Nothing too crazy, just a minute of jogging, followed by a minute of rest, and repeat a few times. My left side hurt a little afterwards, but it quickly faded.
Everything seems to be going according to plan so far. If there is a plan. I was hoping that my pain would be under control for my job. Thankfully, that has been the case. I continue to be grateful for this work. I am also grateful the pain hasn't been intolerable. So as usual, a lot of things to be thankful for.
I continue to be amazed at how I see a little bit better everyday, how much I need my Lord and Savior, Jesus, the Christ. My dependence upon him just continues to grow. You'd think this would make me a weak human being, but I find greater and greater strength in trusting in my God's provision. He has yet to disappoint. I'm starting to understand what Mother Theresa felt, when she saw God's hand at work in the streets of Calcutta, India. I'm not saying I've seen those kind of miracles in my life, but I am saying that trusting in God, is a great place to be.
Again, walking and standing at my job has probably helped me a lot. After a few years of no work, I am glad to be a productive member of society again. I love the fact that I get to be busy for 12 hours a day. I also love helping my patients get better too. I'm working nights though, something I'm not particularly happy about. I haven't worked a night shift in over 23 years. My body is adjust okay to staying awake, but on my days off, all I want to do is sleep.
I went to the gym yesterday and actually ran on the treadmill for the first time in a long time. Nothing too crazy, just a minute of jogging, followed by a minute of rest, and repeat a few times. My left side hurt a little afterwards, but it quickly faded.
Everything seems to be going according to plan so far. If there is a plan. I was hoping that my pain would be under control for my job. Thankfully, that has been the case. I continue to be grateful for this work. I am also grateful the pain hasn't been intolerable. So as usual, a lot of things to be thankful for.
I continue to be amazed at how I see a little bit better everyday, how much I need my Lord and Savior, Jesus, the Christ. My dependence upon him just continues to grow. You'd think this would make me a weak human being, but I find greater and greater strength in trusting in my God's provision. He has yet to disappoint. I'm starting to understand what Mother Theresa felt, when she saw God's hand at work in the streets of Calcutta, India. I'm not saying I've seen those kind of miracles in my life, but I am saying that trusting in God, is a great place to be.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Working After Vasectomy Reversal
It has taken over two years since my reversal, but I am now employed! That may not seem like a big deal to most readers of this blog, as it wasn't the reversal which kept me from working, rather our personal choices with regards to our family. However, as a result of those choices, I have been unemployed for these last two years.
I'm not sure I could have been working with these PVPS pains that I had been experiencing since my reversal. Oh, I probably could have gotten by, with pain killers and the like. But I'm guessing it would have made a miserable time even more miserable. My heart goes out to those men who have jobs and various responsibilities that become compromised as a result of PVPS. I've heard many horror stories of men losing jobs because of their PVPS. I'm not sure why I was able to plod through this situation without that added burden. I'll say this, I've never been very thick-skinned. What I mean by that is, I've never been able to handle adversity with much grace. If things got a little overwhelming, and I mean just a 'little', I had a history of cratering. It really has never taken much to throw me off my game, to borrow a sports cliche'. I have always hated that about myself. But as a kid, I never had any adversity - so I guess I never learned the skills necessary to handle it when it came.
I know I get a little preachy, okay, a lot preachy, here sometimes but this is just another example of how the Lord works in my life. I last posted about cycles of pain. How I go through longer periods of relatively little pain followed by brief, short cycles of bothersome pain. I just finished up one of those longer periods without much pain. Interestingly, the brief cycle of bothersome pain, was very brief. In fact, it was only about a day long. Getting up and moving/walking is all it took to overcome it this time. I never even took a Tylenol or ibuprofen. So couple this new development with a job which will have me on my feet quite a bit, seems like a real blessing.
And I think I've grown quite a bit - mentally/spiritually/character - in the last two years. I think the Lord had to deal with me in such a way to show me that I don't have to handle the adversity on my own. I can simply turn it over to him and then trust that he'll take care of me. This has been a hard lesson for me to learn. You know, looking to the future, I'm sure I'll have to adjust to a whole new set of pains that will come my way as I suddenly am thrust into the land of the living, but I am confident this job came along at just the right time, because I wasn't prepared for it before.
On a side note, while I was experiencing this past long cycle without much pain, I noticed a change in my wife and my intimacy levels. We were much more frequent in our time together. Kind of the exception for us, but it was great. I really love my wife so much and we, for whatever reason, were able to connect quite a bit. So perhaps the increased activity in the bedroom helped my pain cycle lengthen (in a good way).
I make this point because this is my journal, albeit public as it is. I write to remember, to explain, to help me figure stuff out and maybe, hopefully, to help someone else.
In any event, it looks like I'll be working after my vasectomy reversal. It only took two years.
I'm not sure I could have been working with these PVPS pains that I had been experiencing since my reversal. Oh, I probably could have gotten by, with pain killers and the like. But I'm guessing it would have made a miserable time even more miserable. My heart goes out to those men who have jobs and various responsibilities that become compromised as a result of PVPS. I've heard many horror stories of men losing jobs because of their PVPS. I'm not sure why I was able to plod through this situation without that added burden. I'll say this, I've never been very thick-skinned. What I mean by that is, I've never been able to handle adversity with much grace. If things got a little overwhelming, and I mean just a 'little', I had a history of cratering. It really has never taken much to throw me off my game, to borrow a sports cliche'. I have always hated that about myself. But as a kid, I never had any adversity - so I guess I never learned the skills necessary to handle it when it came.
I know I get a little preachy, okay, a lot preachy, here sometimes but this is just another example of how the Lord works in my life. I last posted about cycles of pain. How I go through longer periods of relatively little pain followed by brief, short cycles of bothersome pain. I just finished up one of those longer periods without much pain. Interestingly, the brief cycle of bothersome pain, was very brief. In fact, it was only about a day long. Getting up and moving/walking is all it took to overcome it this time. I never even took a Tylenol or ibuprofen. So couple this new development with a job which will have me on my feet quite a bit, seems like a real blessing.
And I think I've grown quite a bit - mentally/spiritually/character - in the last two years. I think the Lord had to deal with me in such a way to show me that I don't have to handle the adversity on my own. I can simply turn it over to him and then trust that he'll take care of me. This has been a hard lesson for me to learn. You know, looking to the future, I'm sure I'll have to adjust to a whole new set of pains that will come my way as I suddenly am thrust into the land of the living, but I am confident this job came along at just the right time, because I wasn't prepared for it before.
On a side note, while I was experiencing this past long cycle without much pain, I noticed a change in my wife and my intimacy levels. We were much more frequent in our time together. Kind of the exception for us, but it was great. I really love my wife so much and we, for whatever reason, were able to connect quite a bit. So perhaps the increased activity in the bedroom helped my pain cycle lengthen (in a good way).
I make this point because this is my journal, albeit public as it is. I write to remember, to explain, to help me figure stuff out and maybe, hopefully, to help someone else.
In any event, it looks like I'll be working after my vasectomy reversal. It only took two years.
Monday, December 24, 2012
Vasectomy Reversal Update - Two Year Anniversary
Merry Christmas to everyone! It has been 2 years since my vasectomy reversal. So I thought I'd provide an update as to where I am these days.
With regards to the inguinal knifing pain. I only get that pain if I have been sitting too long or have been inactive for days at a time. The pain usually registers at a 2-3 on a 1-10 pain scale (10 being intolerable). This pain is mostly bothersome, but rarely so painful that it prohibits me from doing anything. Tylenol seems to address this pain rather well.
What about the congestive or full feeling on my right side. It is hard to distinguish this pain from the knifing pain, since the knifing pain has dulled in the last year. However, the congestive pain seems more centered in my scrotum and radiates out into my inguinal area. Frequency of ejaculations (e.j.) seems to regulate this pain. It seems that if I have at least 2 e.j.'s per week, the pain doesn't ever bother me. I visualize my epididymis emptying regularly, and therefore, not allowing any build up of pressure, which causes the full sensation.
Interestingly, if my wife and I talk about plans to be intimate during the day only to have those plans fall through, I experience a significant up swell in pain. It doesn't feel like 'blue balls', but it is certainly a similar phenomenon. The knifing inguinal and congestive pain will both be present. It's like the anticipation of excitement does something at the physiologic level, which then creates the pain scenario.
The racking pain on my left side will come and go for the same reasons listed above, sitting and inactivity. Although, jumping (like when playing basketball) and lifting something over 15 pounds will cause this sensation to rear its ugly head. It king of feels like something is pushing into my scrotum, like a hernia maybe? However, I have had this checked and apparently I do not have a hernia. This pain registers the same 2-3 on a pain scale. Tylenol doesn't affect it though, only ibuprofen works.
Random burning sensations. These still come and go at random and are independent of any activity, as far as I can tell. I will get these in all areas of my nether region, from my scrotum, "johnson", inguinal area, etc. These are a little un-nerving, because they feel so weird. They range from sharp pains to burning, to spasm-like sensations to twinges. The pain can be anywhere from a 1-5 and don't really respond to pain medicine with just one exception. The johnson pain does respond to tylenol.
I find that lifestyle really makes a difference. The more active I am, the better. The more my mind is distracted, the better. As long as I remember my coping techniques and try not to behave like a 20-30 year old, I'm okay.
Independent of anything I've listed above, there does seem to be a cycle of pain. When the pain first struck, I remember having a few good days followed by a few bad. Then a week or two of good, followed by the same of bad. This cycle has progressively lengthened itself over the last two years. Most recently, I identified a cycle of good times lasting about 2 months, followed by a single bad week of pain. I am currently nearing the end of a two month good spell, so I should probably plan on something changing here pretty soon.
Lastly, I wanted to talk about what helps me. Sure tylenol and ibuprofen are good for the pain. Not sitting for long periods of time is helpful too. But the thing that helps me the most is my God. I'm sure many non-Christians are rolling their eyes at me right now. I would ask that you just hear me out.
Having this PVPS thing happen to me is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. Yet, I can see how God has used this to grow me. My outlook and perspective on life has all been sharpened as a result of this stupid syndrome. I would not be the man I am today, if it weren't for my PVPS (and I mean that in the best of ways). My faith is far stronger, my expectation that God will work in my life and the lives of others is higher, and I see how he is using this syndrome to allow me to help others; it's truly been a blessing.
Now it wasn't always like this. In fact, I had a night where I basically yelled to God (not at God) about all the bad stuff that was happening to me (PVPS). From that moment on, my pain lessened dramatically, my ability to cope magnified about 100 fold, my attitude immediately changed from victim to contentment. I'd love to say that it was all me; that I some how mustard-ed up the internal fortitude and changed everything overnight. But it wasn't me. I know the Lord worked something miraculous in my life that night. I'm not going to say he "healed me from Heaven". No, no, that would be a huge leap of faith that not even I could make. Rather, he just seemed to change me somehow.
I had been playing the victim role for so long, and that had to change or I would never be any good to God. I could no longer completely focus on myself, which is exactly what was happening. I was ignoring my wife and two young children; not to mention my community and church. I know I'm doing a poor job of explaining how the Lord God worked in my life, but read through my blog and you'll get the idea. Maybe some day I'll be able to clearly state it, but right now, I'm just so overjoyed to be where I am and feeling how I feel. I can't help but to praise my Lord and my God - especially as we celebrate the gift of his only son Jesus, who is the Christ, the one who shall save us from our sins.
So on that note, I'll wish you all a Merry Christmas. I hope you find peace and everlasting joy.
With regards to the inguinal knifing pain. I only get that pain if I have been sitting too long or have been inactive for days at a time. The pain usually registers at a 2-3 on a 1-10 pain scale (10 being intolerable). This pain is mostly bothersome, but rarely so painful that it prohibits me from doing anything. Tylenol seems to address this pain rather well.
What about the congestive or full feeling on my right side. It is hard to distinguish this pain from the knifing pain, since the knifing pain has dulled in the last year. However, the congestive pain seems more centered in my scrotum and radiates out into my inguinal area. Frequency of ejaculations (e.j.) seems to regulate this pain. It seems that if I have at least 2 e.j.'s per week, the pain doesn't ever bother me. I visualize my epididymis emptying regularly, and therefore, not allowing any build up of pressure, which causes the full sensation.
Interestingly, if my wife and I talk about plans to be intimate during the day only to have those plans fall through, I experience a significant up swell in pain. It doesn't feel like 'blue balls', but it is certainly a similar phenomenon. The knifing inguinal and congestive pain will both be present. It's like the anticipation of excitement does something at the physiologic level, which then creates the pain scenario.
The racking pain on my left side will come and go for the same reasons listed above, sitting and inactivity. Although, jumping (like when playing basketball) and lifting something over 15 pounds will cause this sensation to rear its ugly head. It king of feels like something is pushing into my scrotum, like a hernia maybe? However, I have had this checked and apparently I do not have a hernia. This pain registers the same 2-3 on a pain scale. Tylenol doesn't affect it though, only ibuprofen works.
Random burning sensations. These still come and go at random and are independent of any activity, as far as I can tell. I will get these in all areas of my nether region, from my scrotum, "johnson", inguinal area, etc. These are a little un-nerving, because they feel so weird. They range from sharp pains to burning, to spasm-like sensations to twinges. The pain can be anywhere from a 1-5 and don't really respond to pain medicine with just one exception. The johnson pain does respond to tylenol.
I find that lifestyle really makes a difference. The more active I am, the better. The more my mind is distracted, the better. As long as I remember my coping techniques and try not to behave like a 20-30 year old, I'm okay.
Independent of anything I've listed above, there does seem to be a cycle of pain. When the pain first struck, I remember having a few good days followed by a few bad. Then a week or two of good, followed by the same of bad. This cycle has progressively lengthened itself over the last two years. Most recently, I identified a cycle of good times lasting about 2 months, followed by a single bad week of pain. I am currently nearing the end of a two month good spell, so I should probably plan on something changing here pretty soon.
Lastly, I wanted to talk about what helps me. Sure tylenol and ibuprofen are good for the pain. Not sitting for long periods of time is helpful too. But the thing that helps me the most is my God. I'm sure many non-Christians are rolling their eyes at me right now. I would ask that you just hear me out.
Having this PVPS thing happen to me is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. Yet, I can see how God has used this to grow me. My outlook and perspective on life has all been sharpened as a result of this stupid syndrome. I would not be the man I am today, if it weren't for my PVPS (and I mean that in the best of ways). My faith is far stronger, my expectation that God will work in my life and the lives of others is higher, and I see how he is using this syndrome to allow me to help others; it's truly been a blessing.
Now it wasn't always like this. In fact, I had a night where I basically yelled to God (not at God) about all the bad stuff that was happening to me (PVPS). From that moment on, my pain lessened dramatically, my ability to cope magnified about 100 fold, my attitude immediately changed from victim to contentment. I'd love to say that it was all me; that I some how mustard-ed up the internal fortitude and changed everything overnight. But it wasn't me. I know the Lord worked something miraculous in my life that night. I'm not going to say he "healed me from Heaven". No, no, that would be a huge leap of faith that not even I could make. Rather, he just seemed to change me somehow.
I had been playing the victim role for so long, and that had to change or I would never be any good to God. I could no longer completely focus on myself, which is exactly what was happening. I was ignoring my wife and two young children; not to mention my community and church. I know I'm doing a poor job of explaining how the Lord God worked in my life, but read through my blog and you'll get the idea. Maybe some day I'll be able to clearly state it, but right now, I'm just so overjoyed to be where I am and feeling how I feel. I can't help but to praise my Lord and my God - especially as we celebrate the gift of his only son Jesus, who is the Christ, the one who shall save us from our sins.
So on that note, I'll wish you all a Merry Christmas. I hope you find peace and everlasting joy.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Depression and Testicular Pain
I think anyone suffering from chronic pain struggle with depression. Especially when everyone else seems to be doing so well. The "why me" syndrome begins to play itself out. But you can't let it get you down. You can't let your circumstances dictate your mood. Granted, this is easier said than done. I've been there.
I have had my personal bouts with depression, and frustration has so completely overwhelmed my abilities to cope at times that I really wondered what type of future I'd have. But then I remember "to count all things as joy". This is a difficult concept, joy. It doesn't mean you're happy. It doesn't mean life is going great. Rather, it means you have to remember to put it all in perspective.
Pain cannot be at the top of the pyramid of important things in your life. For me, my savior and Lord, Jesus Christ, holds that place. He then helps me put things in an order that makes sense and helps me to keep my sanity. So I can still have joy, despite having a bad pain day.
Now I'm sure this will get put to the test in many other ways in my life, kind of like Job in the Bible. He had many reasons to take God off the top spot and replace it with pain. But the Lord reminded him of his place in the universe.
Today, I heard that we must be humble (Latin: humus) . To illustrate the point, the speaker ate some humus or 'dirt'. He said, you can't get much lower than dirt. I think having this perspective of our place in God's universe, actually helps us handle adversity. Those people who buy into the commercialism of "deserving the best" likely struggle the most with this idea. But as we all know, the universe does not revolve around us. There are lots of people in pain in the world, why should my response to the pain be anything other than humility.
So when I'm feeling bad, which happens a lot with PVPS, I just remember my place in God's universe. I am one of his children and so grateful for anything he gives me. If I have pain, than I have pain. But my joy is created from a sense of thankfulness and stays with me whether I have racking pains or knifing nerve pains or whatever.
Last night was a good night. Still wearing the athletic supporter (going on over a week now). Still exercising and trying to eat better. Something that may or may not be significant, if I eat a lot of sugar (chocolate, candy, ice cream, etc.) I notice an uptick in my pain. Not sure why, but there it is. I'm also eating walnuts every day. They are loaded with Omega 3's which are supposed to promote healthy nerves. We'll see how this experiment goes. I'll post about it in a few weeks I'm sure.
Again, have a good Thanksgiving holiday and remember why we have this holiday in the first place.
I have had my personal bouts with depression, and frustration has so completely overwhelmed my abilities to cope at times that I really wondered what type of future I'd have. But then I remember "to count all things as joy". This is a difficult concept, joy. It doesn't mean you're happy. It doesn't mean life is going great. Rather, it means you have to remember to put it all in perspective.
Pain cannot be at the top of the pyramid of important things in your life. For me, my savior and Lord, Jesus Christ, holds that place. He then helps me put things in an order that makes sense and helps me to keep my sanity. So I can still have joy, despite having a bad pain day.
Now I'm sure this will get put to the test in many other ways in my life, kind of like Job in the Bible. He had many reasons to take God off the top spot and replace it with pain. But the Lord reminded him of his place in the universe.
Today, I heard that we must be humble (Latin: humus) . To illustrate the point, the speaker ate some humus or 'dirt'. He said, you can't get much lower than dirt. I think having this perspective of our place in God's universe, actually helps us handle adversity. Those people who buy into the commercialism of "deserving the best" likely struggle the most with this idea. But as we all know, the universe does not revolve around us. There are lots of people in pain in the world, why should my response to the pain be anything other than humility.
So when I'm feeling bad, which happens a lot with PVPS, I just remember my place in God's universe. I am one of his children and so grateful for anything he gives me. If I have pain, than I have pain. But my joy is created from a sense of thankfulness and stays with me whether I have racking pains or knifing nerve pains or whatever.
Last night was a good night. Still wearing the athletic supporter (going on over a week now). Still exercising and trying to eat better. Something that may or may not be significant, if I eat a lot of sugar (chocolate, candy, ice cream, etc.) I notice an uptick in my pain. Not sure why, but there it is. I'm also eating walnuts every day. They are loaded with Omega 3's which are supposed to promote healthy nerves. We'll see how this experiment goes. I'll post about it in a few weeks I'm sure.
Again, have a good Thanksgiving holiday and remember why we have this holiday in the first place.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Here Comes Thanksgiving
I guess it's that time of year when people express their thanksgivings publicly, or at least around the dinner table before the Cowboys and Lions play football. I have a lot to be thankful for and if you're a stranger to this blog, you may be surprised to hear that I am thankful for PVPS. You may ask why?
Before I get to that, do not misunderstand me, I am not necessarily thankful that I have a painful syndrome/disease or whatever it might be called. Rather, I am thankful for how the Lord has used this experience to help me grow closer to him. I would gladly change places with the old me, the one before PVPS. However, I would not be as mature in my faith.
You see, faith is important to me. Trusting the Lord to get me through stuff, is what I've learned the most. To find that I am totally dependent upon the Lord above, is an idea that was unfathomable prior to PVPS. Now I see that I must 'die' to myself everyday and live for Christ. This means realizing I need him for everything in my life. Just like when you're a kid and you need your parents for everything.
So if you have pain and life kind of sucks right now, then just remember, God can still use it for his glory. Who knows, you just may get something out of it too.
I've been feeling pretty good today. No real pain, except a little right inguinal pain while I sit here at the computer and wistfully play a stupid internet video game while dinner is cooking.
Before I get to that, do not misunderstand me, I am not necessarily thankful that I have a painful syndrome/disease or whatever it might be called. Rather, I am thankful for how the Lord has used this experience to help me grow closer to him. I would gladly change places with the old me, the one before PVPS. However, I would not be as mature in my faith.
You see, faith is important to me. Trusting the Lord to get me through stuff, is what I've learned the most. To find that I am totally dependent upon the Lord above, is an idea that was unfathomable prior to PVPS. Now I see that I must 'die' to myself everyday and live for Christ. This means realizing I need him for everything in my life. Just like when you're a kid and you need your parents for everything.
So if you have pain and life kind of sucks right now, then just remember, God can still use it for his glory. Who knows, you just may get something out of it too.
I've been feeling pretty good today. No real pain, except a little right inguinal pain while I sit here at the computer and wistfully play a stupid internet video game while dinner is cooking.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Pushing Through
I continue to be in the purgatory of pain. Not quite free of it and not completely debilitated from it; just somewhere in the middle. Again, I should be thankful that it isn't handicapping me from life as it has some other men. I do have a lot to be thankful for and I praise the good Lord above for all he's done for me. I'm just ready to move forward.
It's hard to do that when you are reminded every day that you are suffering from a pain syndrome. However, I can't let that be my focus, which is rather easy for me. I tend to have the personality that looks at a cup half empty. Fear and anxiety, the unknown, and flashes of pain all too easily garnish my attention.
I've learned to draw my strength from my lord, Jesus Christ. I've learned that I must place my complete trust in him; go where he leads. I get frustrated because I feel like I'm too dependent upon him for my daily living. Maybe I'm asking for too much when I pray?
But like any other good father, he wants me to come to him with everything. Even if I've bothered him a million times before about the exact same thing. I listen to my kids when they do this with me, so I know my father in heaven is listening and placing his sympathetic hand on my shoulder.
That, in and of itself, is what enables me to get through each bad day; each anxiety and fear-filled day. So for whatever it's worth, he's there for me - helping me push through the pain, moving the pile further down the path. I know the 'pile' (code name for pain) will always be there, but at least it's not keeping me from moving forward. Thank God.
It's hard to do that when you are reminded every day that you are suffering from a pain syndrome. However, I can't let that be my focus, which is rather easy for me. I tend to have the personality that looks at a cup half empty. Fear and anxiety, the unknown, and flashes of pain all too easily garnish my attention.
I've learned to draw my strength from my lord, Jesus Christ. I've learned that I must place my complete trust in him; go where he leads. I get frustrated because I feel like I'm too dependent upon him for my daily living. Maybe I'm asking for too much when I pray?
But like any other good father, he wants me to come to him with everything. Even if I've bothered him a million times before about the exact same thing. I listen to my kids when they do this with me, so I know my father in heaven is listening and placing his sympathetic hand on my shoulder.
That, in and of itself, is what enables me to get through each bad day; each anxiety and fear-filled day. So for whatever it's worth, he's there for me - helping me push through the pain, moving the pile further down the path. I know the 'pile' (code name for pain) will always be there, but at least it's not keeping me from moving forward. Thank God.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
A Little Better - A Prayer
I have to say that I'm a little better than yesterday. Marginal might be a good description. I still feel like my left side is getting pushed down on from up above inside my abdomen (the hernia-like pain I described in yesterday's post). The athletic supporter may have helped or perhaps the lack of sitting down on hard surfaces. Maybe the one dose of ibuprofen helped; hard to know for sure what may have helped.
But this remains a disconcerting feeling. Hopefully, it too shall pass. More of the same today - athletic support, ibuprofen, walking and prayer. Not necessarily in that order.
Dear Lord, you know what I'm going through and what other people are going through. Please meet us in our needs. It seems silly to ask for relief from pain related to a vasectomy, but I ask nonetheless. You tell us to make all our requests known to you, so that is what I'm doing. Asking you to bring me off the roller coaster of emotion and fear. Lead me to the calm waters. Grant me peace and comfort. Please get me through this uneasy pain and anxiety.
I also pray for anyone else having pain. I pray you'd be glorified in their pain and circumstances. I pray you'd bring them healing and that your will would be done in the healing you bring. You don't need us for anything, yet we are always dependent upon you for everything. Guide us through the pain and help us to see your glory. May we be filled with your joy and spirit, may we praise your name today and tomorrow. May we trust in you, the giver of life itself. Your providence I trust and your name I honor. Amen
But this remains a disconcerting feeling. Hopefully, it too shall pass. More of the same today - athletic support, ibuprofen, walking and prayer. Not necessarily in that order.
Dear Lord, you know what I'm going through and what other people are going through. Please meet us in our needs. It seems silly to ask for relief from pain related to a vasectomy, but I ask nonetheless. You tell us to make all our requests known to you, so that is what I'm doing. Asking you to bring me off the roller coaster of emotion and fear. Lead me to the calm waters. Grant me peace and comfort. Please get me through this uneasy pain and anxiety.
I also pray for anyone else having pain. I pray you'd be glorified in their pain and circumstances. I pray you'd bring them healing and that your will would be done in the healing you bring. You don't need us for anything, yet we are always dependent upon you for everything. Guide us through the pain and help us to see your glory. May we be filled with your joy and spirit, may we praise your name today and tomorrow. May we trust in you, the giver of life itself. Your providence I trust and your name I honor. Amen
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Sharp Pinching Sensation and a Prayer
Today I was laying in bed on my left side, with my typical pillow between my knees. This is how I sleep most of the time, or on my back. Anyway, I've been straitening out my left leg (the one under the pillow) for a while now. So basically, my right leg (on top of the pillow) is the only one in the fetal position. It's a nice change of pace and hasn't been painful in any way at all...until this morning that is.
I'm not sure what the deal was. Interestingly, it all started when I had to get up 3 times to pee last night. And by pee, I don't mean dribble, dribble. Nope, I had to go. So it wasn't like a prostate thing, like you see on the TV commercials. Rather, it was as if someone had slipped me a diuretic before bedtime; I had to go and go badly.
Finally, around 6:15 am, I woke up and turned to my side to sleep as I described above, left leg straight, right leg in the fetal position. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I had this pinching, almost burning pain in my right testicle, on the back side. This is where your epididymous is located. I felt down there and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. I hadn't smashed my testicle or anything like that. There was plenty of room for maneuvering down there. So I straightened out my right leg and the pain disappeared.
I reconnoitered and brought my right leg up again, and sure enough, the pinching pain returned. I repeated this about 5 times, with the same result. With every fetal curl, my right testicle would feel like someone was burying a needle into it, about an inch deep. I tried to just toughen it out, but eventually had to relent, too much pain.
I rolled back over to my back and laid there. No snoozing for me this morning. I stayed awake the remainder of the morning until I got up. I noticed I was a little sore down there during breakfast, so I took 1 Tylenol, just in case it wouldn't go away.
It's pain like that which causes my anxiety level to increase. Random pains down there which seem positional in nature, make me think that anatomically, something is not quite right post vasectomy reversal. I really wish I had a video tape of my reversal.
But more likely, there is probably just some scar tissue down there that is rubbing against something or pinching something it shouldn't. When I think about this, I start to get fanciful ideas about having another surgery to "clean up" the area, kind of like when an athlete gets their knee cleaned out. But I don't dare have another surgery down there, if I can help it.
This is the roller coaster thinking you do when you have PVPS. Your mind play out numerous scenarios back and forth with a slew of "would of", "could of", and "should of" 's. Very tiring thinking and frustrating.
I'm reading a book about Mother Theresa. She talks about trusting in God for all things and then expecting him to come through in the clutch. I think that's where I struggle, the "expecting him to come through" part. But I think this is part of the master's plan for my spiritual growth. Or rather, not part of his initial plan, but since it's happened, he'll use it to that end.
So I guess it's back to just trusting God through all of this. Not letting myself get on that emotional roller coaster.
"Lord, please help me to trust in you. To expect that you'll help me. To absolutely count on it. You've done it before, with my marriage, my family, my career, etc. So why should I expect anything to change. You are the creator of the universe and you can do all things. Help me to trust you and to give it all to you. Not leaning on my own strength and understanding, but yours and yours alone. Speak to me with that still, small, quiet voice of the Holy Spirit. Lead me through this and whatever else you know lies in my path. May you receive the glory and honor forever and ever. In Jesus name, amen."
I'm not sure what the deal was. Interestingly, it all started when I had to get up 3 times to pee last night. And by pee, I don't mean dribble, dribble. Nope, I had to go. So it wasn't like a prostate thing, like you see on the TV commercials. Rather, it was as if someone had slipped me a diuretic before bedtime; I had to go and go badly.
Finally, around 6:15 am, I woke up and turned to my side to sleep as I described above, left leg straight, right leg in the fetal position. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I had this pinching, almost burning pain in my right testicle, on the back side. This is where your epididymous is located. I felt down there and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. I hadn't smashed my testicle or anything like that. There was plenty of room for maneuvering down there. So I straightened out my right leg and the pain disappeared.
I reconnoitered and brought my right leg up again, and sure enough, the pinching pain returned. I repeated this about 5 times, with the same result. With every fetal curl, my right testicle would feel like someone was burying a needle into it, about an inch deep. I tried to just toughen it out, but eventually had to relent, too much pain.
I rolled back over to my back and laid there. No snoozing for me this morning. I stayed awake the remainder of the morning until I got up. I noticed I was a little sore down there during breakfast, so I took 1 Tylenol, just in case it wouldn't go away.
It's pain like that which causes my anxiety level to increase. Random pains down there which seem positional in nature, make me think that anatomically, something is not quite right post vasectomy reversal. I really wish I had a video tape of my reversal.
But more likely, there is probably just some scar tissue down there that is rubbing against something or pinching something it shouldn't. When I think about this, I start to get fanciful ideas about having another surgery to "clean up" the area, kind of like when an athlete gets their knee cleaned out. But I don't dare have another surgery down there, if I can help it.
This is the roller coaster thinking you do when you have PVPS. Your mind play out numerous scenarios back and forth with a slew of "would of", "could of", and "should of" 's. Very tiring thinking and frustrating.
I'm reading a book about Mother Theresa. She talks about trusting in God for all things and then expecting him to come through in the clutch. I think that's where I struggle, the "expecting him to come through" part. But I think this is part of the master's plan for my spiritual growth. Or rather, not part of his initial plan, but since it's happened, he'll use it to that end.
So I guess it's back to just trusting God through all of this. Not letting myself get on that emotional roller coaster.
"Lord, please help me to trust in you. To expect that you'll help me. To absolutely count on it. You've done it before, with my marriage, my family, my career, etc. So why should I expect anything to change. You are the creator of the universe and you can do all things. Help me to trust you and to give it all to you. Not leaning on my own strength and understanding, but yours and yours alone. Speak to me with that still, small, quiet voice of the Holy Spirit. Lead me through this and whatever else you know lies in my path. May you receive the glory and honor forever and ever. In Jesus name, amen."
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Time Keeps on Slipping, Slipping, Slipping....
Into the future I go. I suppose there is no where else to go. This online journal has been a great way for me to keep track of my symptoms. I was able to identify cycles of pain, look for cause and effect, and track the intensity and nature of the pain. I've been recording this data for over a year now, since my vasectomy reversal.
I've been a member of the yahoo forum for PVPS sufferers for close to a year and a half. Those guys and gals have been through so much, just like me. A lot of their stories are worse than mine. Their pain seems to be much more pronounced and debilitating, although, mine has had its moments. I continue to pray for those who suffer from PVPS. Sadly, there are new members to the forum, monthly. All have the same story, to some degree I mean. They all had a vasectomy and now their world is turned upside down.
We all frantically look for answers, solutions, tips...anything that will take the pain away. I love to read stories about how some men were able to have a procedure which enabled them to become pain free, but unfortunately, those stories are too rare. Most guys just talk about getting back to 80, 85, or even 90% of their former self.
It has been over 18 months since my reversal, so I thought I would provide an update.
Physically - I am not in the greatest of shape, because my activity still isn't normal. I have a fairly sedentary lifestyle. However, it is picking up a bit. We live in an apartment complex that has a swimming pool, exercise area, and tennis court. I've been able to get back on the treadmill, I swim at least once a week and I've played tennis once or twice - with athletic supporter in place.
My pain is confined to nondescript flashes of pain in the inguinal area that rate a 1-2 on a 1-10 pain scale. I also get a racking pain in my left testicle which rates a 4-5. This pain is triggered by E.J.s, lifting anything heavy and doing squats. I think it may be a type of hernia or it could be nerve pain. I'm not really sure. The last type of pain is a nerve pain I get on the tip of my penis. I've had it a couple of times and it is just flat out disturbing. It rates a 4-5 and can last all evening.
Mentally - I'm doing better. The pain has weighed less on me lately. I've kind of just adjusted to it. I no longer freak out when I have a blast of nerve pain. Instead, I just kind of think, "Oh, okay. Just a bit of pain." Now that would probably not be the case if I was still having those sharp knifing pains, but the last couple of months have been better. The chronic ache on my right side isn't even noticeable, most of the time. So that has helped me quite a bit on the mental side.
Spiritually - Let's face it, we're all sinners. That will never change. I still need my Lord and savior Jesus to get me through. But since I've kind of surrendered this to him, it hasn't been as bad. Coincidence? Maybe. But I like to think that God has helped me have a stronger relationship with him because I had to go through this PVPS thing. I truly believe that my faith wouldn't be nearly as strong as it is, if it weren't for PVPS.
So yes, I'm actually praising God for this syndrome. Crazy, I know. But who can argue with God. It's like this, those without faith in God, think those of us with faith are stupid. So if you don't have it, I don't expect you to understand what I'm talking about. But trust me, Jesus is the answer to so many questions.
My prayer is that your pain will go away. I also pray that you'll find Jesus in this and that he'll comfort and strengthen you, as he continually does for me. I'm not sure when I'll blog next, so until that time, may you become more aware of Jesus in your life. More aware of how he wants you to be his. God bless.
I've been a member of the yahoo forum for PVPS sufferers for close to a year and a half. Those guys and gals have been through so much, just like me. A lot of their stories are worse than mine. Their pain seems to be much more pronounced and debilitating, although, mine has had its moments. I continue to pray for those who suffer from PVPS. Sadly, there are new members to the forum, monthly. All have the same story, to some degree I mean. They all had a vasectomy and now their world is turned upside down.
We all frantically look for answers, solutions, tips...anything that will take the pain away. I love to read stories about how some men were able to have a procedure which enabled them to become pain free, but unfortunately, those stories are too rare. Most guys just talk about getting back to 80, 85, or even 90% of their former self.
It has been over 18 months since my reversal, so I thought I would provide an update.
Physically - I am not in the greatest of shape, because my activity still isn't normal. I have a fairly sedentary lifestyle. However, it is picking up a bit. We live in an apartment complex that has a swimming pool, exercise area, and tennis court. I've been able to get back on the treadmill, I swim at least once a week and I've played tennis once or twice - with athletic supporter in place.
My pain is confined to nondescript flashes of pain in the inguinal area that rate a 1-2 on a 1-10 pain scale. I also get a racking pain in my left testicle which rates a 4-5. This pain is triggered by E.J.s, lifting anything heavy and doing squats. I think it may be a type of hernia or it could be nerve pain. I'm not really sure. The last type of pain is a nerve pain I get on the tip of my penis. I've had it a couple of times and it is just flat out disturbing. It rates a 4-5 and can last all evening.
Mentally - I'm doing better. The pain has weighed less on me lately. I've kind of just adjusted to it. I no longer freak out when I have a blast of nerve pain. Instead, I just kind of think, "Oh, okay. Just a bit of pain." Now that would probably not be the case if I was still having those sharp knifing pains, but the last couple of months have been better. The chronic ache on my right side isn't even noticeable, most of the time. So that has helped me quite a bit on the mental side.
Spiritually - Let's face it, we're all sinners. That will never change. I still need my Lord and savior Jesus to get me through. But since I've kind of surrendered this to him, it hasn't been as bad. Coincidence? Maybe. But I like to think that God has helped me have a stronger relationship with him because I had to go through this PVPS thing. I truly believe that my faith wouldn't be nearly as strong as it is, if it weren't for PVPS.
So yes, I'm actually praising God for this syndrome. Crazy, I know. But who can argue with God. It's like this, those without faith in God, think those of us with faith are stupid. So if you don't have it, I don't expect you to understand what I'm talking about. But trust me, Jesus is the answer to so many questions.
My prayer is that your pain will go away. I also pray that you'll find Jesus in this and that he'll comfort and strengthen you, as he continually does for me. I'm not sure when I'll blog next, so until that time, may you become more aware of Jesus in your life. More aware of how he wants you to be his. God bless.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Almost Forgot About The Pain
I hate to even say this, but here goes. I actually had a day where I almost forgot about the pain. I even went so far to forget I had PVPS. I know, pretty weird, huh? I'm not complaining, I'm just fearful that if I verbalize this phenomena, then it'll kind of jinx my good mojo. Not that I believe in stuff like that.
But still, you always hate to hear the anouncer say how your favorite baseball pitcher has dominated a particular batter, only to watch that said batter blast a walk-off homerun in the bottom of the 9th inning.
So how am I today? Well, okay I guess. Nothing major going on. I got back on the treadmill two days ago and so am just a tad bit sore on my right side. Forgot to wear an athletic supporter, shame on me. But even with that, it's not so bad.
I am about 18.5 months out from my reversal surgery. Except for a couple of twinges here and there, I seem to be doing okay, thank you God! After all, it's nothing I've done to make my pain lessen, except maybe pray like crazy.
Granted, I'm not lifting weights or even working at this point. My lifestyle includes a lot of surfing on the intranet looking for jobs (25 or so applications in the last 2 weeks), updating my websites and blogs and basically being an annoying dad to my two kids.
But hopefully, I'll become employed and then we'll see what kind of real progress I've been able to make (again, by the grace of God). I will say this though...this last year has kind of stunk, from a physical health standpoint. But, my spiritual life has been terrific. I think the Lord has really used this medical experience/challenge to get my attention. To make my faith stronger. To improve my prayer life. Basically, to get serious about my relationship with him.
You know, there is power in the name of Jesus Christ. I've always heard that statement and kind of thought it was a stupid thing for christians to say. But I think we deny the power of God. We kind of neuter God and feel like we need to be the ones in control. I've learned, that isn't how it works. He is in control. I mean, it's his story...right? The story of life isn't about me. It's about God reaching out to his people, his creation and wanting them to see him as the hero. Think about it, he has all the super hero powers, plus more.
I hope you realize that I'm not being preachy, although it does kind of sound like it. Rather, I am just excited to know that God is big enough for my problems, and if I may say, yours too. So that's it for now. I just wanted to praise God and Jesus for helping me down this road of faith.
But still, you always hate to hear the anouncer say how your favorite baseball pitcher has dominated a particular batter, only to watch that said batter blast a walk-off homerun in the bottom of the 9th inning.
So how am I today? Well, okay I guess. Nothing major going on. I got back on the treadmill two days ago and so am just a tad bit sore on my right side. Forgot to wear an athletic supporter, shame on me. But even with that, it's not so bad.
I am about 18.5 months out from my reversal surgery. Except for a couple of twinges here and there, I seem to be doing okay, thank you God! After all, it's nothing I've done to make my pain lessen, except maybe pray like crazy.
Granted, I'm not lifting weights or even working at this point. My lifestyle includes a lot of surfing on the intranet looking for jobs (25 or so applications in the last 2 weeks), updating my websites and blogs and basically being an annoying dad to my two kids.
But hopefully, I'll become employed and then we'll see what kind of real progress I've been able to make (again, by the grace of God). I will say this though...this last year has kind of stunk, from a physical health standpoint. But, my spiritual life has been terrific. I think the Lord has really used this medical experience/challenge to get my attention. To make my faith stronger. To improve my prayer life. Basically, to get serious about my relationship with him.
You know, there is power in the name of Jesus Christ. I've always heard that statement and kind of thought it was a stupid thing for christians to say. But I think we deny the power of God. We kind of neuter God and feel like we need to be the ones in control. I've learned, that isn't how it works. He is in control. I mean, it's his story...right? The story of life isn't about me. It's about God reaching out to his people, his creation and wanting them to see him as the hero. Think about it, he has all the super hero powers, plus more.
I hope you realize that I'm not being preachy, although it does kind of sound like it. Rather, I am just excited to know that God is big enough for my problems, and if I may say, yours too. So that's it for now. I just wanted to praise God and Jesus for helping me down this road of faith.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
A Bad Horror Movie
PVPS is like a bad movie...you know the plot before it plays out and you just can't kill the bad guy. The villain in this case is the pain and the plot is pain, pain followed by more pain. I was feeling great, as you could have guessed by the lack of posting on this blog recently. I was even working out on the treadmill regularly. I was feeling great. (That should have been my first clue that something was about to change.)
One day, I was amping up the treadmill to get a good cardio. It felt great. That night, I felt pretty good. The next day I was starting to hurt. Now for over 7 days, I've been in constant pain. Its right sided inguinal pain. As usual, I'm not sure exactly what triggered it. Maybe it was just time for it, maybe the treadmill caused it, I don't really know.
I have been taking tylenol regularly this last week. But we have a new development which may be contributing to the continued pain...we're moving again. Yep, as if one 2700 mile cross country move wasn't good enough 10 months ago, we've decided to do it again! This time, no one will help me drive the moving truck. So I'm not sure how it's going to work out. Pain will likely be more than a bit player though. Packing and moving heavy boxes downstairs has not been fun. Stacking them in the garage doesn't exactly give things a chance to settle down. Perhaps that is contributing.
I just pray that the move will go well. I pray the pain will stay away. I pray we'll make good time. Notice a new theme to the movie? We have a tendency to think we know how the movie will turn out, but we have a God who is bigger than our movie (our life). We are bit players in his story. It's not the other way around. So I trust that God will work it out for me. That his plans are better than mine. His thoughts are higher than mine. I pray that Jesus will be reflected in my story. That others will see his grace and love for them because of how he steals the scene in my life.
May God be glorified and may Jesus be reflected in my life. Thank you Lord for all you do and for how you continually amaze me and answer my prayers. I can't imagine where I'd be if you weren't with me. Amen
One day, I was amping up the treadmill to get a good cardio. It felt great. That night, I felt pretty good. The next day I was starting to hurt. Now for over 7 days, I've been in constant pain. Its right sided inguinal pain. As usual, I'm not sure exactly what triggered it. Maybe it was just time for it, maybe the treadmill caused it, I don't really know.
I have been taking tylenol regularly this last week. But we have a new development which may be contributing to the continued pain...we're moving again. Yep, as if one 2700 mile cross country move wasn't good enough 10 months ago, we've decided to do it again! This time, no one will help me drive the moving truck. So I'm not sure how it's going to work out. Pain will likely be more than a bit player though. Packing and moving heavy boxes downstairs has not been fun. Stacking them in the garage doesn't exactly give things a chance to settle down. Perhaps that is contributing.
I just pray that the move will go well. I pray the pain will stay away. I pray we'll make good time. Notice a new theme to the movie? We have a tendency to think we know how the movie will turn out, but we have a God who is bigger than our movie (our life). We are bit players in his story. It's not the other way around. So I trust that God will work it out for me. That his plans are better than mine. His thoughts are higher than mine. I pray that Jesus will be reflected in my story. That others will see his grace and love for them because of how he steals the scene in my life.
May God be glorified and may Jesus be reflected in my life. Thank you Lord for all you do and for how you continually amaze me and answer my prayers. I can't imagine where I'd be if you weren't with me. Amen
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Back in Time
I've walked on the treadmill the last couple of days but now I've decided to stretch out my legs afterward. As a result, I've been experiencing the dull ache in my right groin that I had during last summer. But my back has been hurting so much that I figured my hamstrings needed to be stretched out as their tightness correlates to my lumbar pain. It felt good to stretch them out, but this ache is a real pain.
I'm getting fairly tired of having to deal with the constant aches and pains associated with PVPS. I know, so is everybody else in the world who suffers from chronic pain. I get that. I find though, that I go through cycles of being 1) okay with everything and 2) frustration with it all.
My faith in my lord Jesus Christ helps me more than anyone can ever know. It seems like he helps me get back on the right track after I've cycled down into the pits for a while. Again, I'm not sure how people deal with stuff like this without faith in Jesus. The eternal perspective I have, knowing I have a better life in heaven awaiting me, really does get me out of the doldrums.
I'm still thinking hard about the idea of getting the targeted neurolysis. I need more information though first. I'd hate to make another misinformed decision.
I guess that's it. Praise be to God as he teaches me to die to myself everyday. PVPS helps me do that.
I'm getting fairly tired of having to deal with the constant aches and pains associated with PVPS. I know, so is everybody else in the world who suffers from chronic pain. I get that. I find though, that I go through cycles of being 1) okay with everything and 2) frustration with it all.
My faith in my lord Jesus Christ helps me more than anyone can ever know. It seems like he helps me get back on the right track after I've cycled down into the pits for a while. Again, I'm not sure how people deal with stuff like this without faith in Jesus. The eternal perspective I have, knowing I have a better life in heaven awaiting me, really does get me out of the doldrums.
I'm still thinking hard about the idea of getting the targeted neurolysis. I need more information though first. I'd hate to make another misinformed decision.
I guess that's it. Praise be to God as he teaches me to die to myself everyday. PVPS helps me do that.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Treating the Prostate - Holistic Approach
Having PVPS wreaks havoc with your sex life. There I said it. Part of it is because your wife is afraid to touch you because you're in so much pain. She wonders if she'll make things worse. I can appreciate that fact. I also know that taking things into my own hands is probably not an option. I just don't roll that way... well, not anymore anyway.
So there I am with a prostate that is probably the size of a grapefruit, because of lack of use. It's been a long time since my wife and I have been together, probably two months. I was reading how some men on the forum are taking a prostate formula with saw palmetto to help with the prostate size issue or more specifically, the prostatitis that seems quite rampant in the PVPS group.
I broke down yesterday and bought some Saw Palmetto with Pygeum (some kind of tree bark). This supplement is supposed to help with the prostatitis. Not sure if there is anything to it, but why not make the investment? I took my first prostate pill last night and again today. They say it takes a while before you notice any change.
As it stands now, I have tons of dribbling after I pee. I don't get up out of bed anymore, which is good, but this dribbling has been getting worse since my reversal.
I also have had a lot of nerve pain in the tip of my penis. Yep, it's not very comfortable. This is a very annoying side effect of PVPS. I believe the pain is present because of my prostate. I took some tylenol yesterday, which seemed to help that pain.
I haven't been back to the treadmill since the last fiasco with the racking pain. But I feel this need to get up and walk. Our hiking excursion over the weekend went well, so maybe that's an indication that I should get back on that horse.
I continue to wear an athletic supporter everyday and night. I'm kind of scared not to wear one.
I also continue to thank God for all he does for me. I feel a lot more peace about life these days, and it has a lot to do with my faith in him and Jesus. After 40 years of claiming to be a christian, I think I'm just now getting what it means to be a follow of Christ. I think there's a difference between the two. But this is a walk I'm still on. Have a long way to go to be sure.
I guess that's about it for now. Here's praying your pain resolves. God bless you.
So there I am with a prostate that is probably the size of a grapefruit, because of lack of use. It's been a long time since my wife and I have been together, probably two months. I was reading how some men on the forum are taking a prostate formula with saw palmetto to help with the prostate size issue or more specifically, the prostatitis that seems quite rampant in the PVPS group.
I broke down yesterday and bought some Saw Palmetto with Pygeum (some kind of tree bark). This supplement is supposed to help with the prostatitis. Not sure if there is anything to it, but why not make the investment? I took my first prostate pill last night and again today. They say it takes a while before you notice any change.
As it stands now, I have tons of dribbling after I pee. I don't get up out of bed anymore, which is good, but this dribbling has been getting worse since my reversal.
I also have had a lot of nerve pain in the tip of my penis. Yep, it's not very comfortable. This is a very annoying side effect of PVPS. I believe the pain is present because of my prostate. I took some tylenol yesterday, which seemed to help that pain.
I haven't been back to the treadmill since the last fiasco with the racking pain. But I feel this need to get up and walk. Our hiking excursion over the weekend went well, so maybe that's an indication that I should get back on that horse.
I continue to wear an athletic supporter everyday and night. I'm kind of scared not to wear one.
I also continue to thank God for all he does for me. I feel a lot more peace about life these days, and it has a lot to do with my faith in him and Jesus. After 40 years of claiming to be a christian, I think I'm just now getting what it means to be a follow of Christ. I think there's a difference between the two. But this is a walk I'm still on. Have a long way to go to be sure.
I guess that's about it for now. Here's praying your pain resolves. God bless you.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
All Good Things...
I had 5 good weeks after 4 miserable weeks. But that came to a crashing end this weekend. I started feeling that racking pain on my left side and it didn't stop until this morning when I woke up. That's about 3 days of continuous racking pain. It wasn't fun. I also had my back go out, for some inexplicable reason. That didn't help matters. In fact, today my back hurts more than anything else.
I am grateful for the month of good days though. I praise God for them. The question becomes, will I praise God for the bad days too? That was hard to do at first, to be honest with you. But I have learned that God shows mercy to whomever he desires. I don't deserve it, I just welcome it when it is shown to me. Once I figured that out, I figured it was time to praise God, even though I was in tons of pain.
It isn't easy, but having a thankful and joyful heart toward everything, is what we should be aiming for. Let's face it, we screw up. We're not perfect, not one. We all fall short. It's no wonder bad stuff happens in this crazy world, we humans keep messing it up for ourselves.
So I am grateful. I am humble. I praise God for reminding me that I need him. Some time it is easy to forget how much we need him, especially when all is going great. For many of us, it's in those tough times, when we cry out, "Why me?", that we discover his love and mercy.
I should just be grateful that my sins are forgiven. Everything else is gravy. So I'm trying to keep a positive outlook. It isn't easy, but it is necessary. God is good and that doesn't change just because I feel pain.
Today, I'm having racking pain when I'm not wearing an athletic supporter. My back is still killing me. I haven't been able to walk since last Friday. I hope to get back to the treadmill soon, before I lose all the benefits from the previous month.
I did have to take some hydrocodone last Saturday because of the pain. I also had to take ibuprofen a couple of times for the back and the racking pain. I haven't had an E.J. in quite some time, so maybe some of this pain is related to congestion. I don't really know.
That's about it, so until next time...I hope you have days of feeling better like I had and I pray God reveals himself to you through it all. He's a good God and worthy of your time.
I am grateful for the month of good days though. I praise God for them. The question becomes, will I praise God for the bad days too? That was hard to do at first, to be honest with you. But I have learned that God shows mercy to whomever he desires. I don't deserve it, I just welcome it when it is shown to me. Once I figured that out, I figured it was time to praise God, even though I was in tons of pain.
It isn't easy, but having a thankful and joyful heart toward everything, is what we should be aiming for. Let's face it, we screw up. We're not perfect, not one. We all fall short. It's no wonder bad stuff happens in this crazy world, we humans keep messing it up for ourselves.
So I am grateful. I am humble. I praise God for reminding me that I need him. Some time it is easy to forget how much we need him, especially when all is going great. For many of us, it's in those tough times, when we cry out, "Why me?", that we discover his love and mercy.
I should just be grateful that my sins are forgiven. Everything else is gravy. So I'm trying to keep a positive outlook. It isn't easy, but it is necessary. God is good and that doesn't change just because I feel pain.
Today, I'm having racking pain when I'm not wearing an athletic supporter. My back is still killing me. I haven't been able to walk since last Friday. I hope to get back to the treadmill soon, before I lose all the benefits from the previous month.
I did have to take some hydrocodone last Saturday because of the pain. I also had to take ibuprofen a couple of times for the back and the racking pain. I haven't had an E.J. in quite some time, so maybe some of this pain is related to congestion. I don't really know.
That's about it, so until next time...I hope you have days of feeling better like I had and I pray God reveals himself to you through it all. He's a good God and worthy of your time.
Friday, February 24, 2012
One Week of Consistent Exercise
I am closing in on my first week of resistence and treadmill training. I know my exercise is nothing that will turn me into Hans n' Frans from SNL, but everyone has to have their own goals and start from somewhere. I just happen to be starting at the bottom of the fitness barrel.On a good note, I haven't been sore from my workouts, which probably means I'm not really working out. However, a good testing of the waters and balance are the two aims I am trying to achieve at this point. So the fact I'm not sore is probably a good thing. Next week, if all holds and I'm not in terrible nerve pain, I'll probably up my reps or sets. I want to keep the weight the same a I cautiously move forward.
The treadmill has gone well this week. I wear an athletic supporter to make sure there's as little jiggling taking place as possible. I am very methodical in my treadmill approach too. It takes me a good 7-8 minutes to work out of my self-imposed warm up period. I do not want to advance too quickly and suffer a set back. Set backs are not good for my outlook on life. So I may be resembling the tortoise in the famous race with the hare, but I don't really care.
My pain levels have increased slightly during this week of exercise. But it is still manageable, thank God. I believe this is a time in my life when God is teaching me patience, real patience. Not the kind where you get in a hurry behind a slow driver, but rather the kind where you have to be smart and slowly move forward with a game plan or suffer disasterous consequences. I have always been inpatient and wanting things yesterday. So this is a real change for me; a good change I think. Again - thank you God.
As far as describing my pain today, I have an inguinal pulling sensation on my right side. This usually comes with too much sitting. Despite the exercise implementation, I have been overall less active because the weather here has been kind of wet, cold and dreary. Our usual afternoon walks around the neighborhood have been on hold in the last week and I think that is part of my pain uptick. However, I'm sure the exercise isn't helping.
On a side note, I have not been stretching out. It seems that stretching does increase my pain drastically. So I am hoping that doing such light workouts at higher reps will provide some natural and gentle stretching, without me having to bend at the waist, hold for a minute or so, etc.
I am also doing some of those pelvic floor exercises - Kegal I think they're called. I'm not sure if they're helping, but I don't think they're hurting, so I'll continue with them. I have noticed a strengthening of my pelvic floor since I've been doing them. I suppose that's a good thing.
Well, here's hoping you have a blessed weekend. I have a men's bible study tomorrow morning. We're reading the book "Disciple" by Bill Clem. It's a great book and has provided me with a lot of insight. Highly recommend it to anyone who is interested. Then I believe I am meeting with my discipliship mentor. I really see God working in my life since we've moved to our new state. Not that he wasn't before, but perhaps I'm more open to him working in my life since we've moved. I don't think he's changed, but rather it's me.
Maybe some day I'll even be able to tell somebody why I love Jesus so much. I pray that happens because I think people can relate to my story. Anyway, I'll save that for another day. God bless and I pray you have learned something by reading this.
The treadmill has gone well this week. I wear an athletic supporter to make sure there's as little jiggling taking place as possible. I am very methodical in my treadmill approach too. It takes me a good 7-8 minutes to work out of my self-imposed warm up period. I do not want to advance too quickly and suffer a set back. Set backs are not good for my outlook on life. So I may be resembling the tortoise in the famous race with the hare, but I don't really care.
My pain levels have increased slightly during this week of exercise. But it is still manageable, thank God. I believe this is a time in my life when God is teaching me patience, real patience. Not the kind where you get in a hurry behind a slow driver, but rather the kind where you have to be smart and slowly move forward with a game plan or suffer disasterous consequences. I have always been inpatient and wanting things yesterday. So this is a real change for me; a good change I think. Again - thank you God.
As far as describing my pain today, I have an inguinal pulling sensation on my right side. This usually comes with too much sitting. Despite the exercise implementation, I have been overall less active because the weather here has been kind of wet, cold and dreary. Our usual afternoon walks around the neighborhood have been on hold in the last week and I think that is part of my pain uptick. However, I'm sure the exercise isn't helping.
On a side note, I have not been stretching out. It seems that stretching does increase my pain drastically. So I am hoping that doing such light workouts at higher reps will provide some natural and gentle stretching, without me having to bend at the waist, hold for a minute or so, etc.
I am also doing some of those pelvic floor exercises - Kegal I think they're called. I'm not sure if they're helping, but I don't think they're hurting, so I'll continue with them. I have noticed a strengthening of my pelvic floor since I've been doing them. I suppose that's a good thing.
Well, here's hoping you have a blessed weekend. I have a men's bible study tomorrow morning. We're reading the book "Disciple" by Bill Clem. It's a great book and has provided me with a lot of insight. Highly recommend it to anyone who is interested. Then I believe I am meeting with my discipliship mentor. I really see God working in my life since we've moved to our new state. Not that he wasn't before, but perhaps I'm more open to him working in my life since we've moved. I don't think he's changed, but rather it's me.
Maybe some day I'll even be able to tell somebody why I love Jesus so much. I pray that happens because I think people can relate to my story. Anyway, I'll save that for another day. God bless and I pray you have learned something by reading this.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Prayers to the Rescue
I wrote a journal entry once before and titled it, "Athletic Supporter to the Rescue". You'll notice a huge change in today's title. But the idea of needing rescued remains. People with chronic pain want to be rescued. We want the pain to go away. Some days it really feels like you are drowning in a sea of self-pity. You desperately wait for the life preserver to be thrown your way.
In my last post, I mentioned how I had a pretty good week and then found out that I was being specifically prayed for by a very nice lady in my church. Every day she prayed for me. I find that wonderfully humbling. Well, then I found out that someone else at my church had been praying for me also.
All I can say is, "thank you God" for bringing people to my aid. A lot of people don't believe in God or Jesus or prayer. I spent the better part of 20 years praying for my mom who had Alzheimer's and she was never healed. My pain mentor, a devout christian, has had people praying for him for years and years and he's still got severe pain. I won't try to answer why some people are healed and others aren't. I still have painful reminders throughout the day that my condition still exists. Even now, sitting at the computer, I feel the impingement of something or other in my inguinal area. So, I haven't been healed. But I did have a much needed week of pain relief and I thank those who prayed for me and the God above who came to my rescue.
Like I said a time or two ago, I now thank God for this pain (still sounds weird to say it). But there is no way I could have gotten to the point - spiritually - where I am today without it. I think he's really used this to help me understand the seriousness of my faith in Jesus Christ. I have always tried to please both man and God in equal proportions. Look good for God, but also put on my best for my neighbors, friends, family, co-workers, etc. I looked the part of christian, but I also looked the part of non-christian - despite a resolute faith and trust in Jesus Christ.
I now feel compelled to let people know that faith in Christ is a serious thing. We shouldn't spend our lives thinking we should be impressing people in this world; rather, it's God we should be pleasing. Living a double life is not cool. Sadly, the lack of seriousness in my faith and belief has led me to live as a double agent. The pain I feel and the regret I have were worked by God to bring me to this realization.
The prayers of the people this last week were so humbling - literally humbling. Sure, the drop off in pain has been wonderful. But will it last? Who knows. But I'm appreciative and grateful for the prayers. Just knowing that someone loves you enough to pray to God for you is an incredible blessing. And these are just regular folks. It's not like they're my best friends at church. In fact, we have only been going to this church for a few months now. We're completely new to this area. We live 2600 miles away from any family.
But now, the people who pray for us (me specifically) feel like family. Brothers and sisters in the family of Jesus. I hope they know how much I love and appreciate them. More importantly, I hope my Lord and Savior knows how much I love and appreciate him. What a wonderful savior. My life is changed.
In my last post, I mentioned how I had a pretty good week and then found out that I was being specifically prayed for by a very nice lady in my church. Every day she prayed for me. I find that wonderfully humbling. Well, then I found out that someone else at my church had been praying for me also.
All I can say is, "thank you God" for bringing people to my aid. A lot of people don't believe in God or Jesus or prayer. I spent the better part of 20 years praying for my mom who had Alzheimer's and she was never healed. My pain mentor, a devout christian, has had people praying for him for years and years and he's still got severe pain. I won't try to answer why some people are healed and others aren't. I still have painful reminders throughout the day that my condition still exists. Even now, sitting at the computer, I feel the impingement of something or other in my inguinal area. So, I haven't been healed. But I did have a much needed week of pain relief and I thank those who prayed for me and the God above who came to my rescue.
Like I said a time or two ago, I now thank God for this pain (still sounds weird to say it). But there is no way I could have gotten to the point - spiritually - where I am today without it. I think he's really used this to help me understand the seriousness of my faith in Jesus Christ. I have always tried to please both man and God in equal proportions. Look good for God, but also put on my best for my neighbors, friends, family, co-workers, etc. I looked the part of christian, but I also looked the part of non-christian - despite a resolute faith and trust in Jesus Christ.
I now feel compelled to let people know that faith in Christ is a serious thing. We shouldn't spend our lives thinking we should be impressing people in this world; rather, it's God we should be pleasing. Living a double life is not cool. Sadly, the lack of seriousness in my faith and belief has led me to live as a double agent. The pain I feel and the regret I have were worked by God to bring me to this realization.
The prayers of the people this last week were so humbling - literally humbling. Sure, the drop off in pain has been wonderful. But will it last? Who knows. But I'm appreciative and grateful for the prayers. Just knowing that someone loves you enough to pray to God for you is an incredible blessing. And these are just regular folks. It's not like they're my best friends at church. In fact, we have only been going to this church for a few months now. We're completely new to this area. We live 2600 miles away from any family.
But now, the people who pray for us (me specifically) feel like family. Brothers and sisters in the family of Jesus. I hope they know how much I love and appreciate them. More importantly, I hope my Lord and Savior knows how much I love and appreciate him. What a wonderful savior. My life is changed.
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