Anyway You Look at it, Pain is Pain

I have a lot of entries on this blog that describe various types of pain and sensations. Some hurt really, really bad, while others are just annoying and bothersome. Today, in fact, I had an old pain, caused by something entirely new. I had a bowel movement...five minutes later, I had right inguinal nerve pain that wouldn't go away. A couple minutes went by and I sat there wondering, why I was hurting. I hadn't been sitting or squatting, bending or lifting. I just went to the bathroom.

Then my stomach started feeling a little upset. Then I passed a little gas, which my kids thought was hilarious! Then I thought that maybe I should go to the bathroom again. Maybe the pressure in my colon was causing the pain. As that idea was milling around in my mind, the nerve pain ended and hasn't returned.

So it seems like exerted pressure, no matter what the source, will cause my nerve pain. This makes me think there must be something like scar tissue pushing on a nerve. I imagine this glob of tissue occupying a space that it shouldn't be. So when I bend, stretch or get a little gas, it ends up irritating something it shouldn't be. Perhaps maybe they'll come up with a test that will determine things like this. Like some kind of a scan or something. As my mom used to say, "If they can put a man on the moon...why can't they figure out what is causing my pain!".

But in the end, pain is pain - no matter where it comes from or how it got there. I think that's part of the mental aspect. You just have to accept the pain isn't going away. That it's no worse than a pulled muscle or cut or sprained ankle. Some how, that helps me with the mental aspect of it.

Then the Pain Returned

Do I sound like a broken record yet? Sometimes you have pain with PVPS and other times you are simply threatened with the pain. When you don't have pain, you're just waiting for it to creep around the corner. Thus, why should today be any different?

I woke up in the middle of the night with a burning or tingling sensation behind my scrotum, where it attaches to your body, I think they call that the 'perianal' region. I've had this sensation before, but it was so subtle, I just hoped it was a temporary thing and would go away. Last night though, it woke me up. I reached down there to adjust the boys and the sensation went away.

Whenever I wake up in the middle of the night because of the PVPS symptoms, I know the next day is going to be tough, either physically or mentally. Okay, so I woke up feeling okay, but then I noticed another subtle pain on my left side, like a racking sensation. Not too bad, light at first. But then the pain grew and grew, so now when it hits, I would rate it a 2 on a pain scale. While taking my shower, my right side started to act up. Something in the right of my scrotum started to feel all tied up and firm. Kind of like when I've had my epididymitis scares.

Then my mind started racing. Was this because of my walk yesterday? Was it because I was sitting last night before I went to bed? Was it because my wife and I haven't been together since that horrible pain I had almost 2 and a half weeks ago. Do I need an e.j.? Am I having a little congestion? Should I have a release or wait for my wife and I to hook up 'ala naturale'?

Your mind will drive you crazy with scenarios about what to do and what not to do. To be honest, I'm afraid to be with my wife because I fear the pain that might rear it's ugly head. But, I think I should be with her because: 1) I like to be with her and, 2) physically I should probably have a release.

Hopefully, we'll hook up tonight and all will be well. But this is just another example of how post vasectomy pain syndrome messes with your head. I just keep praying for all of us who suffer from this syndrome that our pain will be lessened, taken away even, and that we can all move forward, leading productive, pain-free lives.

The Uneasy Feeling You Get When Something Isn't Quite Right

I think the title of this is perfect. PVPS gives you that uneasy feeling. Even when it isn't flaring up, you still get little reminders throughout the day that all isn't quite right. Yesterday for instance, I was trying to find a comfortable position at the computer from which to get some continuing education - 6 hours of credit. So needless to say, sitting for 6 hours will not do my PVPS any good. I tried laying down, sitting on a bean bag, etc. Throughout the day, my pelvis and scrotum gave me little reminders that something was wrong. My body was rebelling against the idea of such prolonged inactivity and sitting. I tried to move around during those six hours. I stood, stooped, knelt, walked around, but the uneasy feeling just wouldn't leave me.

I've said it before, but PVPS is as much mental as it is physical. Little reminders are always shooting up your nervous system into your brain to remind you that yep, you still have vasectomy pain. After a while, the regret over having the vasectomy in the first place starts to creep in. Then the depression and questions about whether you'll ever get better.

It seems like we've had a new member join the support group every week for the last several weeks. I hate that because they all say the same thing. It starts with, "I had a vasectomy a few weeks ago and the pain just won't go away. The doctor tells me it's normal, but this pain seems different." My heart just goes out to each and everyone of them. Some are in the US, some are in Europe, but the symptoms and experience and sense of desparation are all the same.

Seriously, why would you want to put yourself through this. Trust me and others in the same boat as I, just don't get the vasectomy in the first place. Condoms and the pill will work just fine. Why put yourself at risk?

I believe this is why I chose to have an "online vasectomy journal". I want to get the word out to the unknowning public. Shine a spotlight on this thing so others won't make the same mistake I did. Granted, the risks of developing this are 1 in 10. But that 10% carries a debilitating lifestyle. Full of pain and doctor's appointments. Mental anguish, stress, pharmaceutical dependence and all the other "stuff" that comes with a chronic pain-like life. Hey, I'm giving you an out that you can tell your wife about. I don't think any guy wants a vasectomy in the first place, I know I didn't. So here's your excuse - PAIN spelled with PVPS: that is post vasectomy pain syndrome.

Vasectomy Pain

I can't imagine people actually think that vasectomy pain is imagined. Again, it goes to people who do not have the pain syndrome thinking they are the only example of what happens after a vasectomy. Well, I'm here to tell you, there are tons of people who have vasectomy pain.

For some reason, people search 'vasectomy pain 2011'. I'm not sure what they're looking for, but they end up reading my blog. I'm amazed at how many people end up on my blog after searching something to do with 'vasectomy pain'. That should tell everyone right there, that it's not in our heads. We're not making this thing up. The pain is real.

After about a full week of being pain free, I've had little twinges lately. I think it's because I've been a little less active and sitting down at the computer more. I believe sitting places an undo amount of pressure on the nerves which increases their irritation levels. It's amazing how most everyone feels better after a good night's sleep, but then quickly notes the return of pain after driving to work and sitting behind a desk.

So if you're wondering if vasectomy pain is real. It certainly is. Don't let anyone tell you that it's in your head. If your doctor won't help you, then find one who will. You're not alone. Check out the forum link. There is a tremendous amount of information there and people who are willing to stand beside you while you battle this thing.

Where I am Mentally

I had some amount of pain on my right side yesterday. But it was like an overused muscle ache in that same right inguinal area. Luckily, the ache has been confined to the inguinal area, but it had its moments yesterday and I eventually had to sit back in the recliner for a while. That seemed to help. I'm going to try to sit down less today. See if being on my feet more helps. Left side is its normal self. I get this occassional "full" feeling in my left scrotum, but it doesn't last. I did have one 5 second episode of nerve pain, but that was it.

I really feel like I'm ready to go back on the rapaflo, but at a lower dose. I want to see if I have the same pain relief, but without all the other side effects (lightheadedness, palpitations, etc.). I guess it's that or I can take tylenol or ibuprofen every day or so. I haven't quite figured out which is the lesser of two evils.

My five month reversal anniversay is coming up in three days. I'm wondering if my reversal will take. I'm hopeful it will. But I know it may occlude and become obstructed. I try not to think about that too much though. After all I've been through this year, I just don't want to think about the possible negative outcome. I really feel like I've done what I was supposed to do regarding my epididymitis.

Meanwhile, today has started okay. But, I haven't really done much yet. I'm having the kids pack their toys and stuff in boxes now and getting de-cluttered for our potential house sale and move. So I'll see what the rest of the day brings.

Disappointment

The last 24 hours have been very disappointing. Since my last post, the ache on my right side has become more intense. It even was keeping me awake last night. I just couldn't get comfortable. Nothing like the sharp knifing pain, but rather just that ever present, almost tingling sensation radiating into my right lower abdomen, right about where my belt would be. Meanwhile, my left side was bothersome as well. It felt like the old spermatocele was pushing on stuff again on the left, causing that racking sensation.

Could this be a result of my recent sexual activity with my wife? Could it be present because I'm no longer taking rapaflo? I think it's more related to the rapaflo and that is why I'm so disappointed. I was really hoping my improvement with the rapaflo was just coincidental. After all, I had noticed the swelling in my scrotum continue to decrease in the last couple of weeks. I actually looked normal down there. Not perfectly normal, just more normal.

Today, my right side is all bumpy again and I can make out definite landmarks, like the epididymous, scar tissue from the reversal, etc. I'm going to give it another several days though, before I become 100% convinced I need to go back on the rapaflo. We'll see how today goes, but I think it's going to be like yesterday. Which means, I won't feel like doing anything active for fear of hurting myself. However, I will try to go for a light walk around the neighborhood and then do some stretching afterwards.

The vasectomy side effects really plays games with your head. You feel good one minute, then like crap the next. You're afraid to do anything out of fear. Even sex with your wife can become a mind game, because you might hurt yourself or she may be thinking she might hurt you. That's a less than ideal way to share your love together, always worrying that somebody might get hurt.

I've said it a lot, but I'll say it again. Please don't have a vasectomy. It just isn't natural and chances are if you do have problems from it, they won't be minor. They will be life-changing and in MANY cases, completely debilitating.

Feeling Better Today

Okay, it's official - no more strenuous work for me, for at least a couple more months. Yesterday was just awful. I woke up in the night several times with nerve pain; I had pain in my "johnson" (code for, well, you know...); couldn't get comfortable at all yesterday evening/night. It was just a bad day.

People talk about a mental fog when you have this problem. Some relate it to low testosterone levels. I was talking to my wife about this though, and she has noticed that a lot of her chronic pain patients also talk about this mental fog. Her theory is that our minds are so preoccupied with pain, we lose our ability to focus and remember things. After yesterday, I'll have to agree with her. I couldn't focus on anything. I couldn't think about anything other than the pain. Because of this, yesterday was simply a blur in my mind. All I remember is the generic existance I had. I also remember having a lot of chest palpitations (stress related?), thinking that if I died, then at least I wouldn't have to deal with this chronic pain anymore.

The other bad thing about chronic pain is even when you're feeling good, you know it's only temporary, because the pain will come back.

So I've already told my wife, I can't do any more heavy work around the house. I'll make whatever phone calls need to be made, I'll do simple chores around the house, but any straining is completely out of the question. Thank goodness, she is okay with that. I still feel guilty about this decision, but that's something I have to get past. As someone on the forum said, you only get the chance to recover ONCE. I need to take advantage of that chance.