In the Pit of Despair

One of our favorite movies is the "Princess Bride". In it the heroic lead is taken to the pit of despair. There he prepares to be tortured and relies on his own strength to get himself through the imminent pain. In the end, the pain wins and the scene cuts away with him crying. That's how I feel today.

I know my own strength is not sufficient, God seems to be teaching me that everyday. Only in him can I get through this desperate time. To say the least, I'm really bummed! I woke up this morning to a nocturnal admission. I don't like those, but always think that maybe an E.J. will help the pain. This morning, I took my shower and then sat down to start home school with the kids. I was sitting down for all of 15 minutes when I started to experience severe inguinal nerve pain on my left side. I stood up and started teaching - lecture style, pacing back and forth with a sure grimace on my face. I also took some tylenol.

When will this thing stabilize to the point where setbacks either occur months apart or won't be so intense? Someone asked me the other day if I regretted having the reversal. I told them no. But one solid week's worth of pain later, I might have to rethink that answer.

I've even debated having another surgery to "clean out" the scar tissue that I am sure is causing this nerve pain. But will a third surgery in my scrotum make things better, or just cause more scar tissue in the long run? I simply don't have the answer to that question. I'm not sure anyone does.

So I'm just praying and coping and hoping for the best.  

Getting Over a Cold

As if nerve pain, lower back pain, chest palpitations wasn't enough, now I've still got this cold. I've been so tired and my activity level has been in the pits. Today though, I'm doing better. Still tired, but no constant coughing, sniffling, nose blowing, etc. It seems like my body tries to give me a break and only allows one set of symptoms at a time.

For example, this weekend, my cold dominated and I didn't really have nerve pain. My lower back was pretty good too. Now today, my cold is better, but my left inguinal nerve pain has made its presence felt a couple of times. On Sunday, my cold was getting a little better, but to compensate, I started having nerve pain in my "johnson". It was very disturbing. I hate that pain a lot. Luckily, it doesn't last very long and isn't too severe, but disturbing, none-the-less. Interesting, I had a nocturnal emission last night (although I don't remember, which is unusual, because I always remember). I'll be curious to see what happens to my symptoms because of it.

So, here I am, a shambles of a man, but joyful. Joyful, I still have my God watching over me. Joyful that he continues to bless me. Joyful that he helps me with my pain. Read the story of Job sometime. I could never identify with that story before this whole post vasectomy symptoms started. Now, I kind of get it. No matter what happens, we need to trust God. For only the good and perfect gifts we receive come from him. I'm not saying our faith won't be tested from time to time, but we must remain steadfast in our faith and understand that he loves us no matter what.

That gives me comfort and peace, that is, when I actually stop to think about it. The problem is, I don't stop to think about it as much as I should. There's a lesson in there somewhere for all of us.

Good Cycle Ending?

Well, I've had a nice little run of good days in a row. I think it's about two weeks long now. But there are signs that it may be coming to an end. For example, during church on Sunday, my right inguinal side felt pretty bad. No knifing nerve pain, but rather, it felt like someone was twisting my insides with a pair of pliers. I had to stand up and walk around before it finally went away. Then, the rest of the day was okay.

Meanwhile, last night, I had a nocturnal emission. I haven't had an E.J. for quite a while, so maybe this was God's way of helping me out. However, now I'm having various sensations in my inguinal areas. I just finished taking a hot bath, hoping that helps. I will probably also take a tylenol. I have a stye on my eyelid too, so maybe the tylenol will help with that pain too. I'm only going to take 1 500 mg tablet though. I want to see if that works as well as the 1000 mgs.

I'll also go for a walk today after I get done blogging. See if that doesn't help too. The last time my good cycle ended, I had a lot of pain and I was quite miserable. But maybe the walking and proactive hot baths will postpone the end or at least make it not as bad as last time.

Aleve Didn't Help the Nerve Pain

As the day went on yesterday, I developed more and more right sided inguinal nerve pain. My cardiologist suggested I take Aleve - I think because it is supposed to be better for the heart, but not sure. Anyway, I tried it and had no real substantial pain relief. So I took an ibuprofen and woke up this morning feeling better.

Coincidentally, I also had a "nocturnal emission" last night. Haven't had one of those in years. I am grateful for it though, because it has been quite some time since my wife and I have been together. I'm not sure if it was the ibuprofen or the nightime event that made my right side feel better?

To add to this, I haven't been able to take hot baths since I got back from my cross country trek. I really think those hot baths help in some way. Either it kills the sperm in my scrotum or gets everything kind of loose inside there, so maybe the scar tissue doesn't get trapped in an area it shouldn't be. Whatever the case, I'm looking forward to having normal relations with my wife and getting a good hot soak. Living out of a suitcase has never been my favorite thing to do. But we have 2 more weeks of it before we arrive in our northwest home.