Life...er Rather, Pain Update

Here it is, almost 9 months since I last posted. Hum, so what's been going on you may ask? Well, it's funny you should ask.

My last post had something to do with me returning to the gym and the pain I was having. I have to admit, between working nights and having two kids in school, and buying a new house, I've been fairly busy and the gym was very hit or miss for about 2 months. Then the holidays came, and that was it. No more workouts for me. But I was feeling really good. No pain at all.

I then decided to do some burst aerobic training where you do 4-5 exercises with great intensity for 45 seconds, then rest one minute and repeat until 3-4 cycles are done and you're absolutely exhausted. The exercises  I chose to do were jumping jacks, burpees (push-ups with a jump mixed in), squats (with no weights), lunges, 10 pound kettle-bell shoulder press. Again, I started out very conservatively since I was in the worst shape of my life and I didn't want to kill myself or aggravate the PVPS. All was going well. I had done them for about 2 weeks with no pain (mainly because there was no straining in these exercises, I was taking it real slow).

Then after Christmas, I was putting a box of decorations back in the garage when it happened. I'm not sure exactly what it was, but let me try to describe it. I was carrying a very light box (~5 pounds) into the garage. I stepped down one step into the garage when something exploded in my right inguinal area. It felt like something ripped away from inside of me. The weirder thing was, it felt like a "square shaped patch" of something ripped away, it had a definite shape to the sensation. So I immediately dropped the box to the floor and stumbled back inside to the kitchen table in desperate pain - it literally took my breath away, just terrible.

A few minutes passed and the pain seemed to subside just a bit. I had that pain for the next 3-4 days before it went away. I stopped exercising again - because of the pain. Then a couple weeks later, I turned the wrong way while bending over to pick something up and then WHAM! the pain came back.

This process has now repeated itself too many times to count. I can't say I know exactly what's going on. I did have an inguinal hernia repair when I was like, 23 years old. Perhaps, the mesh has pulled away, or maybe some scar tissue has come loose. I just don't know, and I'm not sure there's a test to tell what's going on, without actually having surgery to take a look inside. 

I don't really want another surgery down there, for fear it will aggravate the PVPS. For all I know, this could be some weird sensation associated with my PVPS. I just don't know.

My wife made a comment to me back when I was 28 years old, she said, "Why don't you ever get sick, you're the healthiest person I know." Back then she had got her second winter cold, meanwhile, I was free and clear and hadn't had a cold in several years. I laughed and told her, I had just always been a very healthy person.

Since then, I ruptured a disc in my back, had a vasectomy, got diagnosed with cardiomyopathy (weak heart), had chronic epidydimitis, had a reversal, suffered from PVPS, and now can't exercise, work-out, or do any heavy lifting around the house.

I'll admit it now, to the world. "I am no longer healthy." There, I've said it. Now maybe things will turn around for me. It just sucks to be unhealthy. My wife hates it, my kids hate it and I hate it.

So now what do I do? Do I get this pain checked out? Do I suffer in silence? I really just don't know what to do next. There are no doctors up here where I live that I trust and I can't really afford to travel back to Dallas and see a doctor down there.

I know I can rely on God to get me through this, that is not the question I'm asking. Rather, it's the logistics of it all. How will it work out? Am I doomed to be one of those guys that looks healthy on the outside, but I've got a handicap sticker for my car because I can barely move without being in pain all the time? Just continued frustration over how things have turned out these last ten years. This is not how I envisioned life, to say the least.

On my knees I go, praying to the one who can make it all better and work out the details for me.  

It seems like when I try to work things it, they just fall apart. So I'm relying on you God, yet again to help me. I'm sorry I can't do it on my own, and I know, I know...you don't want me to do it on my own, but I just hate to bother you with this kind of stuff. It's very embarrassing and hits me at my core, my pride. Please forgive me for feeling this way. Guide me and lead me I pray. Amen.

Weathering the Storm

Could it be the epididymitis has passed? I'm not really sure. There isn't that nagging pain down there (unless I sit for too long). The swelling is still present, but not as prominent as the last few weeks have been. I hope it is passed. I hope it never comes back. But it will I'm sure. The only question is when. Hopefully it will be a long time, like decades.

In the meantime, things seem to have returned to 'normal', whatever that is. I still get random pains here and there. No real rhyme or reason to them, just 'cause I guess. I have a doctor's appointment with a new cardiologist this week. I pray my heart is in good shape, despite the lack of activity induced by the PVPS.

It seems the older I get, the more unsteady the ground is; the more plates I try to keep spinning in the air at one time. Reminds me that I can't do it by myself. Thank God I have Jesus to get me through. Seriously, how else can I do it. My decisions always stink and mess things up. The more I have tried to control, the more things get turned upside down. But when I wait on the Lord to answer my prayers and provide for me, the better the outcomes. I know that sounds weird, especially if you don't believe like I do, but it's absolutely the truth. I just can't make stuff like this up.

I could tell you story after story, but probably not entirely appropriate for a PVPS blog. Maybe some day though. Who knows, maybe I'll write a book about it.

Vasectomy Reversal Update - Two Year Anniversary

Merry Christmas to everyone! It has been 2 years since my vasectomy reversal. So I thought I'd provide an update as to where I am these days.

With regards to the inguinal knifing pain. I only get that pain if I have been sitting too long or have been inactive for days at a time. The pain usually registers at a 2-3 on a 1-10 pain scale (10 being intolerable). This pain is mostly bothersome, but rarely so painful that it prohibits me from doing anything. Tylenol seems to address this pain rather well.

What about the congestive or full feeling on my right side. It is hard to distinguish this pain from the knifing pain, since the knifing pain has dulled in the last year. However, the congestive pain seems more centered in my scrotum and radiates out into my inguinal area. Frequency of ejaculations (e.j.) seems to regulate this pain. It seems that if I have at least 2 e.j.'s per week, the pain doesn't ever bother me. I visualize my epididymis emptying regularly, and therefore, not allowing any build up of pressure, which causes the full sensation.  

Interestingly, if my wife and I talk about plans to be intimate during the day only to have those plans fall through, I experience a significant up swell in pain. It doesn't feel like 'blue balls', but it is certainly a similar phenomenon. The knifing inguinal and congestive pain will both be present. It's like the anticipation of excitement does something at the physiologic level, which then creates the pain scenario.

The racking pain on my left side will come and go for the same reasons listed above, sitting and inactivity. Although, jumping (like when playing basketball) and lifting something over 15 pounds will cause this sensation to rear its ugly head. It king of feels like something is pushing into my scrotum, like a hernia maybe? However, I have had this checked and apparently I do not have a hernia. This pain registers the same 2-3 on a pain scale. Tylenol doesn't affect it though, only ibuprofen works.

Random burning sensations. These still come and go at random and are independent of any activity, as far as I can tell. I will get these in all areas of my nether region, from my scrotum, "johnson", inguinal area, etc. These are a little un-nerving, because they feel so weird. They range from sharp pains to burning, to spasm-like sensations to twinges. The pain can be anywhere from a 1-5 and don't really respond to pain medicine with just one exception. The johnson pain does respond to tylenol.

I find that lifestyle really makes a difference. The more active I am, the better. The more my mind is distracted, the better. As long as I remember my coping techniques and try not to behave like a 20-30 year old, I'm okay.

Independent of anything I've listed above, there does seem to be a cycle of pain. When the pain first struck, I remember having a few good days followed by a few bad. Then a week or two of good, followed by the same of bad. This cycle has progressively lengthened itself over the last two years. Most recently, I identified a cycle of good times lasting about 2 months, followed by a single bad week of pain. I am currently nearing the end of a two month good spell, so I should probably plan on something changing here pretty soon.

Lastly, I wanted to talk about what helps me. Sure tylenol and ibuprofen are good for the pain. Not sitting for long periods of time is helpful too. But the thing that helps me the most is my God. I'm sure many non-Christians are rolling their eyes at me right now. I would ask that you just hear me out.

Having this PVPS thing happen to me is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. Yet, I can see how God has used this to grow me. My outlook and perspective on life has all been sharpened as a result of this stupid syndrome. I would not be the man I am today, if it weren't for my PVPS (and I mean that in the best of ways). My faith is far stronger, my expectation that God will work in my life and the lives of others is higher, and I see how he is using this syndrome to allow me to help others; it's truly been a blessing.

Now it wasn't always like this. In fact, I had a night where I basically yelled to God (not at God) about all the bad stuff that was happening to me (PVPS). From that moment on, my pain lessened dramatically, my ability to cope magnified about 100 fold, my attitude immediately changed from victim to contentment. I'd love to say that it was all me; that I some how mustard-ed up the internal fortitude and changed everything overnight. But it wasn't me. I know the Lord worked something miraculous in my life that night. I'm not going to say he "healed me from Heaven". No, no, that would be a huge leap of faith that not even I could make. Rather, he just seemed to change me somehow.

I had been playing the victim role for so long, and that had to change or I would never be any good to God. I could no longer completely focus on myself, which is exactly what was happening. I was ignoring my wife and two young children; not to mention my community and church.  I know I'm doing a poor job of explaining how the Lord God worked in my life, but read through my blog and you'll get the idea. Maybe some day I'll be able to clearly state it, but right now, I'm just so overjoyed to be where I am and feeling how I feel. I can't help but to praise my Lord and my God - especially as we celebrate the gift of his only son Jesus, who is the Christ, the one who shall save us from our sins.

So on that note, I'll wish you all a Merry Christmas. I hope you find peace and everlasting joy.  

This Old Body of Mine

Do you ever have days when you feel older than you really are? That is the kind of day I'm having. My back went out, my PVPS acted up, my heart was skipping beats, my head hurt and I just felt like an old man. Now I know why older people can be kind of cranky - everything hurts.

When my back goes out, it seems to trigger something with my PVPS. This time, I had indiscriminate pains throughout my pelvic region. They would come and go without too much fanfare. I took some tylenol at bedtime hoping it would take care of some of my pains. The headache went away, and then I fell asleep.

This morning, is a little bit like last night. Pains here and there. I am going to try to get back on the treadmill today and see if that doesn't help. I guess the older folks would say I'm going to try to 'lubricate the joints'. Well, I guess I'll see.

I'm not sure how much more I'm going to post this month. December is always so busy with so many things related to Christmas. If something big breaks (not literally I hope), then I'll come back and post. Otherwise, have a good Christmas and may the peace of our Lord and Savior, Jesus, be with you.

Pushing Through

I continue to be in the purgatory of pain. Not quite free of it and not completely debilitated from it; just somewhere in the middle. Again, I should be thankful that it isn't handicapping me from life as it has some other men. I do have a lot to be thankful for and I praise the good Lord above for all he's done for me. I'm just ready to move forward.

It's hard to do that when you are reminded every day that you are suffering from a pain syndrome. However, I can't let that be my focus, which is rather easy for me. I tend to have the personality that looks at a cup half empty. Fear and anxiety, the unknown, and flashes of pain all too easily garnish my attention.

I've learned to draw my strength from my lord, Jesus Christ. I've learned that I must place my complete trust in him; go where he leads. I get frustrated because I feel like I'm too dependent upon him for my daily living. Maybe I'm asking for too much when I pray?

But like any other good father, he wants me to come to him with everything. Even if I've bothered him a million times before about the exact same thing. I listen to my kids when they do this with me, so I know my father in heaven is listening and placing his sympathetic hand on my shoulder.

That, in and of itself, is what enables me to get through each bad day; each anxiety and fear-filled day. So for whatever it's worth, he's there for me - helping me push through the pain, moving the pile further down the path. I know the 'pile' (code name for pain) will always be there, but at least it's not keeping me from moving forward. Thank God.

I Hate Pain

I read a story by Tony Dungy called Quiet Strength. In there he talks about how he adopted a child who was born with the inability to feel pain. A gene was missing, who would have known. They wondered if something was wrong when they noticed the kid wouldn't cry after getting shots and eye drops.

I told my wife about this and she immediately thought how great it would be if I couldn't feel pain. I thought that was a great idea, but didn't think much more about it. Mainly because I've been relatively pain free for a couple weeks/months.

Well, today I woke up in pain. It feels like that racking pain I've had before on my left side. But I also had nerve like pain on my left side too. That's new. It's so frustrating and so I went for a little walk and talked to the Lord about it.

As usual, he helped me put everything in perspective. I tend to get myself so wrapped up in the symptoms or the pain or whatever it is, that I lose perspective. I suddenly become so engrossed, nothing else matters. Talking to the Lord is a great way to remind myself we should praise him, regardless of whether things are going well or bad.

I have a bad habit of only thanking him for good stuff and not also appreciating what comes from the bad stuff, like patience, mercy, grace, understanding, and peace. When times are tough, I learn the most.

But I do hate pain. I don't like having it, no matter what I might learn. But it could be worse. I might have been born with a gene that keeps me from feeling pain. Then I'd probably really hurt myself, although I wouldn't know it.

Such are the challenges of this fickle life. So thank you God for giving me the pain. Thank you for letting yourself be glorified in it. Help me to grow from this.

Almost Forgot About The Pain

I hate to even say this, but here goes. I actually had a day where I almost forgot about the pain. I even went so far to forget I had PVPS. I know, pretty weird, huh? I'm not complaining, I'm just fearful that if I verbalize this phenomena, then it'll kind of jinx my good mojo. Not that I believe in stuff like that.

But still, you always hate to hear the anouncer say how your favorite baseball pitcher has dominated a particular batter, only to watch that said batter blast a walk-off homerun in the bottom of the 9th inning.

So how am I today? Well, okay I guess. Nothing major going on. I got back on the treadmill two days ago and so am just a tad bit sore on my right side. Forgot to wear an athletic supporter, shame on me. But even with that, it's not so bad.

I am about 18.5 months out from my reversal surgery. Except for a couple of twinges here and there, I seem to be doing okay, thank you God! After all, it's nothing I've done to make my pain lessen, except maybe pray like crazy.

Granted, I'm not lifting weights or even working at this point. My lifestyle includes a lot of surfing on the intranet looking for jobs (25 or so applications in the last 2 weeks), updating my websites and blogs and basically being an annoying dad to my two kids.

But hopefully, I'll become employed and then we'll see what kind of real progress I've been able to make (again, by the grace of God). I will say this though...this last year has kind of stunk, from a physical health standpoint. But, my spiritual life has been terrific. I think the Lord has really used this medical experience/challenge to get my attention. To make my faith stronger. To improve my prayer life. Basically, to get serious about my relationship with him.

You know, there is power in the name of Jesus Christ. I've always heard that statement and kind of thought it was a stupid thing for christians to say. But I think we deny the power of God. We kind of neuter God and feel like we need to be the ones in control. I've learned, that isn't how it works. He is in control. I mean, it's his story...right? The story of life isn't about me. It's about God reaching out to his people, his creation and wanting them to see him as the hero. Think about it, he has all the super hero powers, plus more.

I hope you realize that I'm not being preachy, although it does kind of sound like it. Rather, I am just excited to know that God is big enough for my problems, and if I may say, yours too. So that's it for now. I just wanted to praise God and Jesus for helping me down this road of faith.

How Did Sunday Go?

I didn't sleep much better the night before. Then Sunday started off with a full, congested feeling on the right side. It was difficult just driving to church, very uncomfortable in my jeans. But once I was there, the ache started to go away. The rest of the day turned out fairly okay. Now, I didn't do much except lounge around the house, but that's okay. I'll take what I can.

Last night, I woke up once. It was too cold to get out of bed, so I just told myself that I didn't really have to go pee. That seemed to work. I'm going to try to not drink or eat as much before bed, maybe that'll help me with my sleeping. Since we moved here, we've been eating kind of late in the evening. I know, that's not very healthy.

My wife went to work today - yea, she got a job. Nothing much up here for me. Maybe I'll have to get a run of the mill job instead of working at my normal career. The pickens are kind of slim in this part of the world, for my brand of health care services.

But I'm sure the Lord has a plan for that too. I'll just be patient and wait for the right opportunity to come along. Hopefully, it won't demand much from me physically, since this inguinal pain seems to get worse when I do a lot of abdominal straining/lifting. I need a job where I can sit down, stand up and walk around a little bit. Teaching would be ideal, but I'm not a teacher. Although, I could be an educator in a hospital. Sadly, those jobs are pretty few and far between. Like I said, I'm sure something will come up that works well for my particular situation.

Then the Pain Returned

Do I sound like a broken record yet? Sometimes you have pain with PVPS and other times you are simply threatened with the pain. When you don't have pain, you're just waiting for it to creep around the corner. Thus, why should today be any different?

I woke up in the middle of the night with a burning or tingling sensation behind my scrotum, where it attaches to your body, I think they call that the 'perianal' region. I've had this sensation before, but it was so subtle, I just hoped it was a temporary thing and would go away. Last night though, it woke me up. I reached down there to adjust the boys and the sensation went away.

Whenever I wake up in the middle of the night because of the PVPS symptoms, I know the next day is going to be tough, either physically or mentally. Okay, so I woke up feeling okay, but then I noticed another subtle pain on my left side, like a racking sensation. Not too bad, light at first. But then the pain grew and grew, so now when it hits, I would rate it a 2 on a pain scale. While taking my shower, my right side started to act up. Something in the right of my scrotum started to feel all tied up and firm. Kind of like when I've had my epididymitis scares.

Then my mind started racing. Was this because of my walk yesterday? Was it because I was sitting last night before I went to bed? Was it because my wife and I haven't been together since that horrible pain I had almost 2 and a half weeks ago. Do I need an e.j.? Am I having a little congestion? Should I have a release or wait for my wife and I to hook up 'ala naturale'?

Your mind will drive you crazy with scenarios about what to do and what not to do. To be honest, I'm afraid to be with my wife because I fear the pain that might rear it's ugly head. But, I think I should be with her because: 1) I like to be with her and, 2) physically I should probably have a release.

Hopefully, we'll hook up tonight and all will be well. But this is just another example of how post vasectomy pain syndrome messes with your head. I just keep praying for all of us who suffer from this syndrome that our pain will be lessened, taken away even, and that we can all move forward, leading productive, pain-free lives.

The Roller Coaster Hit a Plateau and a Prayer

Okay, if I thought I was nervous yesterday, I'm even more so today. For whatever reason, my vasectomy pain syndrome was kept at bay again. That's now over 48 hours with hardly any pain at all. A very slight twinge here and there, but that's about it.

The only thing I've done differently is I've taken this medicine called Rapaflo which is for people who have stream difficulties with their urination. I casually mentioned to my uro that I was having some dribbling issues when I went to the bathroom and that my stream wasn't what I thought it should be. He felt my anatomy was causing some challenges and gave me some samples of Rapaflo. I didn't take them because I didn't want anything to interfere with my epididymitis, plus I just didn't feel like taking another medicine, on top of everything else.

But now I've taken it for three days and coincidentally, my pain has all but disappeared. I've heard of other people taking this type of medicine and then their post vasectomy pain went away also. Not a lot of people, just 1 or 2. Anyway, I gave it a shot and so far so good. Again, it's too early to attribute my improvement to the Rapaflo, but I'll take whatever I can get.

Rapaflo is an alpha-blocker that supposedly relaxes the muscles of the prostate and bladder. Perhaps, my prostate muscles have been fairly bound up because of my epididymitis and swelling after my reversal surgery. I'm not really sure. I'll have to ask my uro more about it the next time I see him. Meanwhile, my pain has been all but not existent. The pain I had on my left side that I had after my e-jac has also disappeared. It also looked like, at least for a few hours the other day, that my spermatocele had shrunk in size. However, last night it looked like it always has.

Hopefully, my wife and I can get together now that my pain is a little bit better under control. There are a few guys I'll be praying for, S and A in the group. So won't you join me and asking our Lord to help those two ment out?

Lord God, please help these two guys out. They didn't ask for this pain, but they have it. Give them healing and relief of their pain. May they come to know You better as a result of these experiences. Help us all to see you better as you work in our lives. Please don't turn away from us, but continue to show us your mercy and grace during these trying times of pain and frustration. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Vasectomy Pain and Driving

I'm back from my trip to TN. That's basically 13 hours in the car. Thank goodness for my wife. She was a real trooper. She drove about 6 hours each driving day, which allowed me to pick up the remaining 2-3 hours of driving. I had to take ibuprofen/tylenol each day because the pain was pretty intense, albeit, brief.

The fact that I was able to utilize the cruise control really helped a lot. I just had to make sure I had plenty of space between my thighs to keep my scrotum from getting pinched or squished. However, sitting for that long, regardless of how I do it, does take its toll on my body. It seems like sitting on my nerves for that long makes them not very happy.

Now that I'm home and had a night's sleep, my left spermatocele is really causing some pain. Nothing I need medicine for, but when it hurts, I feel like I'm getting racked. My right side hasn't had any nerve pain to speak of in the last few days, which kind of surprises me.  Also, my wife and I haven't been together for a while which I was told is a bad thing. The uro docs like to make things stay patent (open). Some of the guys tell me I should take things into my own hands (sort of speak), but the last time my wife and I were together, the next day, my left side felt painful. I wonder if that spermatocele gets bigger with each ejaculation?

I keep taking hot baths in an effort to kill off some of that sperm. I'm not sure if that's working though. It's weird, but my left side has never bothered me, until last fall. Now post reversal, the left side seems to be the side that hurts most often. I think it's related to the spermatocele. It seems to push on things that shouldn't get pushed on, like it's just in the way.

I'm not sure how to get rid of those, because I've read they either go away on their own, or you can have them surgically removed. However, that doesn't mean they won't come right back. Meanwhile, the surgery could cause more nerve damage, which is not what I want.

So today, after a long trip being stuck in the car, my left side hurts, but not my right. I'm not having any nerve pain to speak of, so that is an improvement. I'm going to try stretching again and gentle walking around the neighborhood. I really need to get my heart exercised.

Journal Entry

So much for the 80 degree weather. Back in the low 50's and I think I've discovered a pattern. It seems like when it's cold, my testicles move up into my body and that creates a "racking" sensation on my left side. You see, since my vasectomy reversal in December of 2010, I've had this little puffy thing on top of my left testicle. Some have described it as a spermatocele. If it is a spermatocele, then it may go away on its own, or it may not. Crazy isn't it?

Anyway, this used to be soft and squishy. When my urologist would examine me, he could squeeze it without hurting it. Of course, then it would ache for the next two days. Well, now it isn't nearly as squishy. It's kind of becoming hardened and when it moves up inside of me (on colder days) I notice the pain. I'm also having some referred pain behind my left kidney that moves from my left hip. That's new.

My right side kind of aches a little bit and then it doesn't. It is being very fickle today. I did a lot of yard work yesterday, so maybe it's just reacting to the increased activity.

I also have a lot of questions about epididymitis and why mine manifested the way it did. I've asked the group one of my questions. Hopefully, I'll get some feedback from them. I guess that's it for today. I wonder what crazy new pain or sensation I'll have to write about tomorrow.