I did several things last week when I was at my wit's end. I thought I had a hernia and got it checked out. I was miserable and had to take a hydrocodone to alleviate the pain. I also started wearing an athletic supporter everyday. I read my Bible, specifically the Book of Job. I prayed a lot.
What are the results you might ask. Well, let me tell you. My pain dramatically decreased. I wore the athletic supporter for about 10 days. I stopped wearing it yesterday. Strangely, it felt better when I stopped wearing it. It's like the athletic supporter needed to brace me up a bit so my ligaments would stop being stretched or my nerves would stop being yanked around. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure what the athletic supporter does. I just know I've worn it twice since my reversal and I've felt better because of it.
Now, I'm not discounting the reading and prayer. Interestingly, after my rather lengthy talk with God a week ago Monday, I was in a much better frame of mind, spirit and body. I think he brought me to a place of understanding. Much like Job though, I'm not necessarily happy about what I understand. Rather, I'm just not experiencing as much mental strife.
If I don't continue to pray and read the Bible, I can see where I'll find myself in the same dark place of desperation. Even yesterday, I found myself getting quite angry over a twinge in my right groin. It was like, "Wow, I've had several good days and now, for no reason, I'm having this twinge. Why can't I catch a break?"
We're always looking to ask "why, why, why". I know that has been my favorite question these last 8 years. I don't really think it's our right to ask "why". I could be wrong, but I think we just need to accept what happens and realize that God will use it for his glory. A verse in Romans says something like, "...all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to HIS purpose."
Well, I love God. I feel called according to HIS purpose - some of the time anyway. The way I look at it these days, this will all work together for good. Some how, this nerve pain will work out to some better and higher purpose, according to Christ. Listen, I know this isn't your typical view on how to see something like chronic pain, but I really feel like this is it. It makes me sad to think about people who don't know Jesus, who don't know God as their father in Heaven. What kind of hope do they have?
If this nerve pain has twisted my spirit inside-out, and I'm a christian, what must it do to people who don't have an eternal perspective...who don't have a hope for something better? It's hard for me to conceptualize. But it doesn't mean God can't still work in their lives. It doesn't mean they have to be without that hope forever. I know that God loves all of us and wants the best for all of us, just like any good father. Unfortunately, our decisions get in his way sometimes, most of the time actually. So we suffer the consequences of our decisions. But, there's hope. We won't be confined to these bodies for eternity.
It's that hope in Christ that keeps me going...honestly. I'm not just trying to be preachy here, I really mean what I say. Without Jesus, I'm not sure what kind of bad place I'd be stuck in. Anger, resentment, depression, and self pity would be constant companions. As it is, they only come over for very brief visits. Thank God.
So today, I'm feeling a little pain in my groin. My left testicle gets that racking feeling periodically. I'm back to walking, with athletic support in place. I try to stay off the computer as much as possible. I guess that's about it. Good luck and God bless.
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