I know some people won't like my posting today. They may not believe in God or may not think the internet should be a place to talk about God. But at this point, I don't really care what other people think. I don't mean that in a pious or condescending way. Rather, I've spent much of my life too worried about what other people think and less about what God thinks, and it's done nothing but get me in trouble. So, I'm switching my approach.
Last Thursday night I had to take a hydrocodone because the pain was too intense. I went to an urgent care clinic the next day, (Friday) because I thought I might have had a hernia. I thought perhaps that is what was popping into my scrotum. Well, I saw the guy at the clinic and I dropped my trousers. I turned my head and coughed. I even bore down in my pelvic region like I was trying to pass a bowling ball. The guy looked up at me and said, "Nope, I'm not feeling anything down there".
He told me that my symptoms were classic hernia, but unless something 'gave' into my testicles, nobody would say I actually had a hernia. On a side note, when he positioned his fingers into place for the examination, the pain threw me back into my chair. I never had the opportunity to tell him my full PVPS story prior to his exam, although, I would have expected he would have read my chart prior to the exam. Anyway, he asked what the matter was and I was finally able to tell him to be a little more gentle as I have a ton of sensitivity down there.
So let's see now, that was Friday. I spent the rest of Friday night in pain but I didn't take anything except maybe some ibuprofen. Saturday and Sunday were improved. Monday was better and now today I'm blogging.
I read the book of Job in the Bible last night and finished up this morning. I've felt for some time now like Job, except the part about losing everything and being covered with boils. Okay, maybe I haven't exactly felt like Job, but I could certainly identify a little bit with his situation. Let me share what I learned.
1. I shouldn't blame God for my pain. I'll be honest. There have been times when I yelled at God. I realize now how stupid and arrogant that was. After all, I don't know where the east wind starts or where the hail is stored up. Only God knows. I am a sinner and God can't sin. I deserve death for my sin. God doesn't owe me a single thing.
2. I have a mediator between myself and God, something Job didn't have. I have Jesus to plead my case for me to the father in Heaven. That should and does give me hope.
3. I've been asking God to shape me into the man he wants me to be for quite a long time now. Perhaps, this pain is the only thing that will allow God to shape me. Maybe, I would be in a worse state, spiritually, if I hadn't been battling this condition or pain for so long. This could be God's way of getting the message through my thick skull.
4. I need to be thankful for all the blessings God gives me and if number 3 is correct, then I need to thank God for the pain too. I did that today in a prayer to God. I still can't believe it, but there I was speaking the words of gratitude to God.
5. I find it funny that I've always struggled with lust, sexual lust. I think most guys do. Some people would say it's natural, even healthy. But mine was a quiet obsession, as almost everything is sooner or later to me - I'm the definition of obsessive/compulsive. Lustful wanting is not healthy, for your spirit or your flesh. I think I finally get just how bad it is for you. So I find it ironic that I've spent most of my late adolescent and early adulthood caught up in lustful desires and now I've got pelvic pain related to a vasectomy.
So that is where I am today. I'm a broken and crushed man who is calling upon my Lord and Savior for help. I know he stands ready to heal my spirit and reconcile me to my God and Father. It's so wonderful to have mediator in Jesus. Where would we all be without him...dead in our sin with no hope. Praise God for his mercy and grace. His gift of salvation to us which we don't deserve. Thank you God. Amen.
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