Sunday, December 18, 2011

Why Won't This Go Away - A Prayer

So I was feeling better, over a goodly period of time...probably a couple of weeks. I thought my blogging about post vasectomy pain syndrome might be coming to a quiet end. Then something happened. I'm not sure what it was, but it has been bad ever since. Last Thursday or Friday, I went to walk on the treadmill as I was feeling better. I only stretched out my hamstrings, which never seems to trigger my scrotal/inguinal pain. But while I was stretching, I decided to do try the pec-deck. I didn't use very much weight, in fact, it was so easy of an exercise, I felt kind of foolish even doing it. I didn't feel anything straining at all.

Well, the next morning, I was feeling a very strange pain in my right inguinal area. Yep, another NEW pain, almost 12 months post reversal. This one hurt like nothing ever else has. The pain was both hurtful and bothersome, because it brought fear with it. Real fear. Like get on your knees and pray to God kind of fear.

I couldn't sleep very well. Every time I would lay on my side, the pain would be to excruciating. Rate it about a 5-6 that, if I didn't return to lay on my back, would have continued to escalate to some number much higher. At 6:30, I got up and sat down on the sofa and tried to adjust the pillows so I was reclining. That seemed to help and I was able to get to sleep. I felt better in the morning, but not by much. The fear was still gripping and the pain was still reminding me it was there. I took some Tylenol, hoping for the best.

Well, now it's Sunday night and the pain is not as intense or frequent, but it is still there. A new twinge to be sure. But there's something about this one that scares me. I've prayed to God about it and I just don't know what to make of it. It almost feels like my mesh (from my 20 year old inguinal surgery) is coming loose or ripping away.

Needless to say, I'm a little shell shocked. I'm trying to forget it and focus on Christmas, reading a new book, praying, etc. But in the back of my mind, I have this fear. Even now as I type, my inguinal area on my left side is starting to feel very similar to the right side from a couple days ago.

I don't think the new exercise had anything to do with the pain. But perhaps I'm walking too fast on the treadmill? Next time I walk, I'm going to try to slow it down a bit. See if that doesn't help. I'm also not going to lift anything heavy or strain or squat. I need to keep moving, keep living, I can't just shut it down, even though that's what my mind is telling me to do. My whole life has been about shutting down when the pain became too intense or the trouble seemed to insurmountable. I know I can't do it this time.

This seems to be the lesson God is trying to teach me lately. "Don't shut down, keep plugging away. Life goes on and I have work for you to do." Now what that work is exactly, I'm still not sure. But I can't just implode, withdraw from the family or my faith. God loves me and my family loves me. I can't let this pain keep me from being available to them. Funny how pain makes you shut down. Yet I see football players play with cracked ribs, sprained knees, etc. and they're just plugging away. What makes them persevere when adversity and pain strikes, while I (and others, I'm sure) simply crater?

God, please help me to have strength. Please give me wisdom and understanding. I've prayed for this pain to go away, and it has gotten better, overall. I praise you for that. Yet, here I am with new pains and new fears. Build my faith and help me to trust you, even when the pain gets extreme. Help my unbelief. Help me to live for you, despite having this thorn in my flesh. I pray your will be done and your name be glorified because of what I'm going through. I know my strength is lacking, I want to succumb to the fear, to withdraw from everything and feel sorry for myself. No one would blame me. But help me to put those days behind me. Grant me new life and joy. Fill me with joy I pray. Fill me with zest for life and the ability to cope and move past what I fear I cannot move past. Remove the fear and replace it with joy. Joy in your son, Jesus the christ. My savior and Lord. Thank you God, thank you. Amen

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