Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Fear and Faith

The last 24 hours have been an emotional roller-coaster. I woke up yesterday feeling pretty good. That is until I stood up, looked downward or bent over. The pain wasn't as bad on my right side as the horrible experience, but I could tell that I'd been through something unpleasant. I got dressed and put on an athletic supporter at my wife's suggestion. I then drove 45 minutes to pick up my kids from their aunt's house.

The drive was okay. While I was at my sister's house, my right side would intermittently hurt in flashes of pain. Again, nothing like the terrible pain I had the night before. I stayed there about 3 hours before driving home. No problems on the drive home.

When I got home, I started feeling pretty good. I didn't dare do anything though, for fear of hurting myself. I eventually started dinner and we all had a decent evening together. But I needed to go to Lowes to look at their carpet. I removed the athletic supporter and drove to Lowes. By the time I came home, I was in pain on the right side, probably a level 3. I put the supporter back on again, took another hydrocodone and the pain subsided. I went to bed without the supporter and this morning has been like yesterday morning. As long as I have the supporter on, the pain isn't as bad (level 1).

I can walk and sit without too much discomfort. I'm really getting tired of this PVPS. I don't know how people with chronic pain survive over the long haul. I know God will get me through this, but I'm tired of always being the person who has something bad happen. In my early 30's I developed lower back problems. In my late 30's I developed heart failure and had my vasectomy/epididymitis problems. In my early 40's I'm now having nerve pain issues from my reversal. During all the time, my mother was dying from Alzheimers and my dad died from a heart attack, while caring for my mom.

I think I'm ready for a season of good stuff. Will it ever happen? Am I destined to be in pain my whole life? I hope not. I think God can still use me, despite all the bad stuff that has happened to me. You'd think I would be angry at Him for all the bad stuff I've had to deal with, but I'm not. I get angry at myself sometimes and it spills over into my prayer time with God. But it's more like me complaining about my decisions and why I can't get out of my own way, not because of anything He's done. If I had a "redo button" I'd make lots of different decisions. Number one on that list would have been never having the vasectomy.

I can't even imagine how different a person I would be right now if I had just said "NO" to the idea of a vasectomy. But sadly, I can't cry over that spilt milk. I just have to keep plowing forward, despite the regret I feel. If it means I have to wear a jock strap the rest of my life, then so be it. If it means I have to take a pill to handle the pain, then so be it. I can't change how the dice come up. It is what it is. I just have to trust God to get me through it. It would be easier to blame him and I know that's what many who read this blog might think. But I can't do that. He's too good. He doesn't want this bad stuff to happen to me. But we live in a fallen world where bad stuff happens to good people. It doesn't make a lot of sense, but that doesn't change the fact.

I feel like I was supposed to have this reversal. Even though I'm now having nerve pain, I still feel like I am where I am supposed to be. I don't necessarily like it, but it is what it is. Something good will come of it. I just need to stay focused on the Lord and He'll get me through this season. Like I said before, my faith in Jesus is all I have left. If I didn't have that, I'd probably look for an easy way out or I'd turn to addiction or who knows what.

Don't get me wrong, I would love to be pain free. I would love to be a healthy 43 year old husband and dad. But since I'm not, I just have to make the best of it. Everyone suffers, why should I be any different.

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